Tuesday, January 07, 2014

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 1/4/14

Just a few things one sports columnist would like to see in 2014.................

*an A-ROD voodoo doll promotion at a NY Yankees game
*the lovely Christie Brinkley place a personal ad--seeking an aging, New England-based sports columnist
*the gorgeous Carmen Electra duplicate Ms. Brinkley's aforementioned actions
*every college/NBA basketball fan out there be REQUIRED to view the documentary "Pistol Pete": The Life and Times of Pete Maravich"
*Dez Bryant finally "get it"
*the aforementioned A-ROD GET OUT
*Saints kicker Shayne Graham (who's played for NINE different NFL teams and been on the rosters of various others) snag a luggage endorsement
*a "tattoo-less" professional basketball league
*Archie Manning's genetic makeup be on display at the Pro Football Hall of Fame
*a plaque of the late Paul Blair be placed on the center field wall at Camden Yards
*a pay-per-view event with NFL DB Antonio Cromartie once again trying to remember the names of his ten children
*pitcher 'Dice-K' Matsuzaka donate the $10 million he STOLE from the Red Sox in 2012 (1-7, 8.28 ERA) to needy Boston fans
*a "Bernie Madoff Dartboard" promotion at Citi Field
*the Mariners' Robinson Cano go 0-for-4 with three strikeouts and an error during his first return to Yankee Stadium in late April
*Dodgers' player Yasiel Puig and the term "train wreck" NOT used in the same sentence
*a fan hold up a sign at Yankee Stadium that reads "I CAME, I SAW, I WENT BROKE"
*LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis offer free, private golf lessons for CT-based sports columnists
*my buddy Robert "Raven" Kraft's running streak continue--a man who's logged in 8 miles daily, 7 days a week for the past 39 years in Miami--WITHOUT missing a day
*better media accommodations at CT high school football venues (a YEARLY wish in this column)
*less writer's block (ANOTHER yearly wish in this column)
*free aerial tours of "St. Jetersburg" on the west coast of Florida
*a refund for ALL 2013 Houston Astros season-ticket holders
*a refund for ALL 2013 Houston Texans season-ticket holders
*more JOURNALISTS and less JOCKS in the broadcast booth (yet ANOTHER yearly wish in this column)
*the NY Giants develop some type of running game
*the NY Jets develop some type of PASSING game
*a future Roger Federer born somewhere
*a future Walter Payton born somewhere
*a future Vin Scully born somewhere
*K.C. Chiefs coach Andy Reid develop a VERY short memory
*a "Women's Beard Day" at Fenway Park (yes, REAL facial hair)
*good parenting become the "in" thing to do
*a statue of Wayne Gretzky outside EVERY NHL arena
*the NY Jets Flight Crew cheerleaders serve lunch at a CT Sports Writers' Alliance meeting
*a "concussion-less" week of NFL football
*a better wireless signal at the Yale Bowl
*less mentioning of "wind chills" in New England
*the Valley Times send a certain sports columnist to cover the next "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show"
*more undersized/overachieving NFL players like the Saints' Darren Sproles/Chargers' Danny Woodhead
*a picture of Bill Belichick and Mike Shanahan smiling at the same time
*ALL individuals to experience a "love affair" similar to the one between Woody Johnson and Rex Ryan
*continued healing for the residents of Newtown, CT
*more outdoor "pick-up" games/LESS indoor video games
*MLB's new instant replay system be semi-efficient
*an NFL referee's microphone work efficiently for ALL FOUR QUARTERS
*a competitive UCONN women's basketball game
*cell phones be DISALLOWED at sporting events (watch the GAME, for cryin' out loud!)
*an MLB player like Dustin Pedroia be CLONED
*an ex-MLB player like Mariano Rivera be CLONED
*MLB and the NFL be required to let homeless individuals have use of one luxury box at every game
*a few hundred LESS advertisements inside Yankee Stadium
*WFAN's Mike Francesa's ego shrink about 75% (which would STILL make it overbearing), and FINALLY,
*peace and prosperity for the loyal readers of this column. Happy '14, folks........


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