Sunday, December 30, 2012

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 12/29/12

A few things one columnist would like to see in 2013..............

*the price of a beer at Yankee Stadium not resemble the price of an oil change
*the Dallas Cowboys allow ONLY cheerleaders--NOT criminals--on the sidelines during games
*the Pittsburgh Pirates stop teasing us--and FINALLY finish over .500
*less achy joints
*less achy EVERYTHING
*Adam Greenberg make it all the way back with the Orioles
*better media accommodations at the New Haven Open tennis tournament at Yale
*the Washington Wizards give free tours of the White House to season-ticket holders if they fail to reach 20 victories
*better media accommodations at CT high school football venues (didn't I say that last TWO years?)
*more kindness in the world
*replays of the "Legends of Pocket Billiards" competition shown on ESPN (Willie Mosconi, U.J. Puckett, Minnesota Fats, etc.)
*less NBA "coach-killers" like Deron Williams of the Brooklyn Nets
*more COACHABLE NBA players like Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls
*"shred-proof" dental floss that is, well, TRULY shred-proof
*a Justin Verlander clone
*NO clones of Ozzie Guillen ANYWHERE
*a two month, all-expense paid vacation to Hawaii for anyone who can name all 30 current NHL coaches
*the same prize for anyone who can correctly identify each NBA arena
*Carmen Electra leading a 7th-inning stretch at Fenway Park
*a sign inside the Yankee Stadium Team Store that reads "One for the price of THREE"
*larger 'bathrooms' at the Travelers Championship media tent (ALL media members will attest)
*less POLITICS in the world
*a politician who doesn't PRACTICE politics
*Lindsay Lohan locked up for at least three months--in order to keep OTHERS' lives out of jeopardy
*Robinson Cano really "bust it" down the line after hitting a ground ball--just ONCE
*approximately 20 LESS college football Bowl games
*less writer's block
*Angels outfielder Mike Trout not develop dollar signs in his eyes
*Christie Brinkley post a personal ad--seeking an aging sports columnist
*consistently good cell phone reception
*the Whiffenpoofs perform at every Yale football home game
*stadium parking rates that are just HALFWAY fair
*CC Sabathia featured in a Pilates workout video
*a future Barry Sanders or Walter Payton born somewhere
*just ONE slam-dunk (college OR pro) that isn't accompanied by theatrical showboating
*Charlize Theron follow Ms. Brinkley's lead as previously mentioned
*a Mike Francesa (WFAN Radio) doll--which automatically berates someone when he/she attempts to talk to it
*one particular sports columnist become truly convinced that Michael Vick SINCERELY cares about animal welfare
*Colts head coach Chuck Pagano remain healthy
*the Kate Smith rendition of "God Bless America" played during the 7th inning at EVERY MLB ballpark
*more TV commercials like the Miller Lite ads of the 70's/80's
*the Kate Upton SI Swimsuit Issue video shown on TV during MLB rain delays
*the NFL Pro Bowl become a touch football game (wait a second--it already IS!)
*customers receive a bumper sticker that reads "I WAS JUST ROBBED" after paying $5 for a bottle of water at Yankee Stadium
*overrated/overpaid MLB pitchers--a la John Lackey--give a few grand to charity for every earned run allowed
*a raise for the very responsible person at the Travelers Championship who keeps the freezer in the media tent well-stocked with Ben & Jerry's ice cream bars
*a future Phillie Phanatic born somewhere
*a course offered at a local college called "Swimsuit Appreciation"--with the current SI Swimsuit Issue and the aforementioned Kate Upton video used as study materials
*a baseball field built in Newtown, CT called "Angels Field"--having NOTHING to do with the big league club
*less kids playing video games/more kids involved in playground PICK-UP games (I can dream, can't I?)
*the REAL high school transcripts of John Calipari's players before they landed at UMASS, Memphis, or Kentucky
*my good friend Robert "Raven" Kraft's running streak continue; 8 miles daily, 38 consecutive years, now over 111,000 total miles
*seat licensing become illegal
*the term "quality start" be redefined as a 7-inning performance with two or less earned runs allowed
*"Pistol" Pete Maravich highlights shown during halftime of the NBA All-Star Game
*Yankees radio man John Sterling broadcast games from behind the outfield fence--in order to get HR calls CORRECT
*a normal week of JUST baseball in Boston
*the K.C. Chiefs and Oakland Raiders both gain some SIGNIFICANCE again
*a future ballplayer born who will someday be the Red Sox' starting SS for more than 5 consecutive seasons
*peace and prosperity for the readers of this column

Happy 2013, folks.......


Post a Comment

<< Home