Tuesday, October 16, 2012

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 10/20/12

*Some recent "athletic matches" that have appeared in this column--along with some older ones..........

Scenario: Indiana Wesleyan soccer player Kylie Dial marries Georgia Tech infielder Sam Dove, divorces, then decides to pursue college professors. She marries Angelo State music professor John Irish--divorces him--then marries Louisiana-Lafayette professor Jeffrey Spring. She is then 'kickin' around with the full, soap-filled name of Kylie Dial Dove Irish Spring..........Here goes: LPGA golfer Jennie Lee marries NY Mets pitching sensation Matt Harvey, divorces, then marries Stanford Univ. football video coordinator Jon Oswald. Would she then go by her full married name of Jennie Lee Harvey Oswald?..........Picture the scenario: Eastern Oregon basketball player Nicole Redd marries professional snowboarder Shaun White, divorces, then marries Univ. of Central Oklahoma infielder Kevin Blue. Patriotic Americans would surely love her full married name of Nicole Redd White Blue..........Former college softball player Carlee Carpenter marries Fresno St. baseball player Aaron Judge, divorces, marries ex-MLB pitcher John Butcher--divorces again--then walks down the aisle with Cornell women's soccer coach Patrick Farmer. She is then walking around with an occupation-filled name of Carlee Carpenter Judge Butcher Farmer..........Just thinkin': If UNLV women's golfer Mayko Chwen Wang ever married NFL defensive back Patrick Chung, she'd be sporting the full married name of a popular New Wave band from the '80's: Mayko Chwen Wang Chung (sing it, folks: "EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT/EVERYBODY WANG CHUNG TONIGHT!!")..........Imagine if LPGA player Nancy Scranton married Marlins outfielder Juan Pierre, divorced, married former NFL DB Bo Orlando--divorced again--then married former big leaguer Mike Lansing. Geography buffs would delight in her full name of Nancy Scranton Pierre Orlando Lansing..........LPGA golfer Leslie Spalding marries former pitcher Scott McGregor, divorces, marries former Mets outfielder Mookie Wilson--divorces again--then marries former Expos outfielder Ron Calloway. Sporting goods manufacturers would enjoy her full name of Leslie Spalding McGregor Wilson Calloway.........Imagine if LPGA golfer Tammie Green married former NFL center Forrest Blue, divorced, married ex-NFL kick returner Mel Gray--divorced again--then tied the knot with N.Y. Knicks coach Larry Brown. She'd be roaming around the links with the "colorful" name of Tammie Green Blue Gray Brown..........Villanova women's basketball player Maria Getty marries former MLB pitcher Chris Eddy, divorces, marries retiring Southern CT St. Univ. SID Rick Leddy--divorces again--then marries NASCAR driver Kyle Petty. She'd be running up and down the court with the catchy, full married name of Maria Getty Eddy Leddy Petty..........Can you imagine if WNBA'er K.B. Sharp married PGA golfer D.A. Points, divorced, married columnist George Will--divorced again--then married former Lafayette College running back Jonathan Hurt? Those afraid of needles would surely have no problem warning others while saying her full, married name of K.B. Sharp Points Will Hurt..........UCONN women's basketball player Tina Charles marries Orlando Magic guard Jameer Nelson, divorces, then decides she likes older men; she proceeds to marry Miami Heat coach Pat Riley. Fans of the old "Match Game" show would surely delight in her full married name of Tina Charles Nelson Riley..........Just imagine if William Paterson Univ. basketball player April Smith married former NBA player Scott May, divorced, then married West Craven (NC) high school football player Thomas June. Lovers of springtime would surely delight in her full married name of April May June...........Former St. John's basketball player Kia Wright marries ex-NBA-er Phil Ford, divorces, marries Univ. of the Pacific outfielder Kyle Dodge--divorces again--then marries Metro St. tennis player Mattia Ferrari. Auto lovers everywhere would delight in her full married name of Kia Ford Dodge Ferrari..........Former Niagara basketball player Jessica James marries ex-NFL coach Chuck Knox, divorces, then marries CT Tigers (NY-Penn League) outfielder P.J. Polk. Fans of U.S. presidential history would surely take joy in her full married name of Jessica James Knox Polk..........If former RIT volleyball player Tracy Wilt were to wed N.Y. Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain, would she automatically grow taller while possessing the full, married name of Tracy Wilt Chamberlain?..........Finally, singer Fiona Apple marries former NFL player Deron Cherry, divorces, then marries a much older man--ex-NFL quarterback Milt Plum. Seeing that the age difference is a hindrance, she divorces Milt and marries ex-slugger Darryl Strawberry. Could we then refer to her by the "fruity" name of Fiona Apple Cherry Plum Strawberry?


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