Tuesday, January 03, 2012

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup"- - - - 1/17/12

Just a few things one columnist would like to see in 2012......

* Charlize Theron movies shown on NESN during Red Sox rain delays
* reruns of the "Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" shown on YES during N.Y. Yankees rain delays
* a sign at the entrance of Yankee Stadium that reads the following: "The N.Y. Yankees Baseball Club is not responsible for ANY patron declaring bankruptcy once he/she leaves the premises"
* a fried chicken selection at Fenway Park concession stands--and having it be known as either the "Clubhouse Combo" or the "Pitcher's Platter"
* a new college athletic conference that schools can jump to--known as the "GMC": the Geographically Misplaced Conference
* a personal, one week tour of Colorado with Denver Broncos cheerleaders as tour guides
* a new Rex Ryan doll; you wind it up just once and it keeps its mouth open FOREVER
* Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci take yoga lessons or--better yet--partake in the popular ZUMBA fad
* NFL coaches Andy Reid and Rex Ryan attempt a "body bump"
* CT high school athletic directors be more accommodating/hospitable to media members (didn't I say that LAST year at this time?)
* the Pittsburgh Pirates put together a decent, FULL season
* Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders bobble-head dolls (yes, ALL of them)
* Christie Brinkley workout videos shown on SNY during N.Y. Mets rain delays
* a "Baseball's Steroid Era" Hall of Fame to open--and be located in Needles, California
* a science/meteorology course offered at UCONN called "The Atmosphere of Compliance"
* actress Eva Longoria publish a personal ad--seeking an aging, east coast-based sports columnist
* a college bowl game called the "Non-Compliance" Bowl--matching up two schools who've accumulated the most recruiting violations over the previous calendar year
* have just ONE college athlete say, "I'm turning pro for the BUCKS" instead of "I'll have to sit down and think about what's best for me and my family"
* the Phillie Phanatic attend a CT Sports Writers' Alliance luncheon
* Roger Federer somehow win ONE more major--then retire immediately
* less writer's block
* one more Division III baseball title for Eastern CT State University and coach Bill Holowaty
* Broncos QB Tim Tebow win just ONE game in "pretty" fashion
* an electric razor that lasts more than three months
* more football players act as if they've seen the end zone before
* have those football players who continue to insist on "celebratory end zone entertainment" be required to watch old films of Barry Sanders, Walter Payton, and Emmitt Smith
* less ads/more PICTORIAL content in the SI Swimsuit Issue
* free golf lessons--courtesy of Natalie Gulbis--for any willing sports columnist
* less graphics on ANY sports telecast
* an NFL pre-game show whose panel of experts doesn't outnumber the Osmond family
* a "Madoff Night" at Citi Field; all patrons wearing prison garb/stripes get in for half-price
* Andrew Luck live up to the hype
* less writer's block (oooops--mentioned that already)
* an NFL rule that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for a .500 team to make the playoffs
* a GOOD, fat-free pizza chain
* Rex Ryan become a manager in the WWE--or simply form a traveling circus with various other Ryan family members
* have the sport of boxing MATTER again
* have the St. Louis Rams MATTER again
* a "body bump" between actresses Pamela Anderson and Salma Hayek
* a "Media Member Massage Tent" set up at the Travelers Championship
* Harvard to advance far in the NCAA men's basketball tournament
* more sunshine in New England (a man can DREAM, right?)
* 2011 to REMAIN in the rear-view mirror
* a thorough search for Jimmy Hoffa conducted throughout the BEARD of Buffalo Bills QB Ryan Fitzpatrick
* a "concussion-proof" football helmet be invented
* a return of the popular sitcom "Three's Company"--starring Sharon Stone, Diane Lane, and YOURS TRULY
* finally, health and good fortune for the loyal readers of this column.

Happy 2012, everyone........


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