"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 1-8-11

Some things one columnist would like to see in 2011......


* Christie Brinkley develop an obsessive desire to date New England-based sports columnists
* Brett Favre do a cell phone commercial--demonstrating the texting capabilities of a new smartphone
* young athletes be CONSTANTLY reminded of what the word "hustle" means
* yours truly offered personal dance lessons from Paula Abdul
* Bill Belichick do a commercial for a toothpaste that brightens one's smile
* good health for baseball Hall of Famer Harmon Killebrew--and ANY person battling cancer
* a "mercy rule" in women's college basketball (i.e. Georgia Tech defeats Tenn. St. 82-11 on 12/30)
* an NFL running back score a TD and IMMEDIATELY remember how Walter Payton and Barry Sanders celebrated
* a $4.00 bottle of water at Yankee Stadium sprout arms and provide a massage, also
* unlimited Kleenex handed out to teary-eyed people exiting the Metro-North platform near the old Yankee Stadium--as they pass the ruins of a once-sacred ballpark on their way to the new "shrine"
* pretzel$ sold inside Yankee Stadium in the shapes of dollar sign$
* aluminum bat advocates get a CLUE
* tattoo parlors adjacent to every NBA locker room
* ushers at Fenway Park hand out Pepcid AC tablets to all fans as soon as Hideki Okajima is summoned from the bullpen
* larger restrooms in the Yale Bowl press box--and ones that remain "in operation"
* technological advancements in "Port-O-Pottys" used at various athletic events
* an NFL replay/challenge that--time-wise--doesn't remind people of the movie "Gandhi"
* not hear ONE kid say "That's BORING!"
* Brett Favre and Andy Pettitte appear in a highly-anticipated ESPN special called "The Indecision"
* Jets coach Rex Ryan do a TV commercial for Curel Foot Therapy Cream
* officials at Glastonbury (CT) High School tear down the fairly-new press box there--and start OVER
* a nice, heated, well-designed press box at ANY CT high school football venue
* high school athletic directors become more receptive/accommodating to media members (didn't I say that LAST year?)
* Evander Holyfield FINALLY hang up the boxing gloves (didn't I say that FIVE years ago?)
* UCONN sports administrators lose the "holier than thou" attitude
* a few hundred more people each night at Connecticut Tigers baseball games
* Larry Brown go into the relocation/moving business
* Yankees play-by-play man John Sterling check his ego before every radio broadcast
* a Victoria's Secret Fashion Show to be held prior to every CT Sports Writers Alliance meeting
* a GPS system that is programmed to find ONLY Hooters Restaurants
* the Georgia football program go SIX months without having a player arrested (this may now be a moot point as I wrote this column a few days ago)
* a University of Georgia football game held at Riker's Island
* more stringent rules/penalties for idiotic parents attending youth sporting events
* Mariano Rivera PROVE that he's human
* Las Vegas oddsmakers provide an over/under date for when Urban Meyer returns to coaching at some level (I'll say 6/1/12)
* Albert Haynesworth do a commercial for fitness equipment
* Albert Haynesworth CARE once again
* Michael Vick donate HALF his salary to the Humane Society and/or ASPCA
* Rajon Rondo become just a 60% free throw shooter
* the Dallas Cowboys MATTER again
* LPGA golfer Natalie Gulbis request a tour of the TPC in Cromwell from a certain, available sports columnist
* a "Straitjacket Day"/giveaway at Citi Field in honor of frustrated N.Y. Mets fans
* the Fordham basketball program MATTER again
* Joe Paterno PROMISE not to coach past the year 2020
* a new Bowl game--called the "Yet Another" Bowl
* Heisman winner Cam Newton's Dad become an auctioneer
* a future Wes Welker born somewhere
* a future Michael Vick NOT born ANYWHERE
* the Carmen Electra 2011 wall calendar included among the media gifts given out at the Travelers Championship
* a Michael Vick voodoo doll sold at all PETCO locations
* a great-tasting, fat-free bacon cheeseburger
* less writer's block (I've said that YEARLY since doing this type of column)
* penalties called for STUPIDITY on football players playing defense who make a great hit on a runner and celebrate wildly--AFTER that offensive player has already made a FIRST DOWN on the play
* coaches to call out those SAME "all about me" dolts who celebrate wildly when their team is TRAILING 35-0
* finally, health and prosperity for readers of this column.

Happy 2011, everyone.