"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 1-9-10

A Few Things One Columnist Would Like To See In 2010........

* a new Tiger Woods doll; you wind it up, it drops its shorts, and immediately moves into a horizontal position
* MLB stadiums be required to have a "KA-CHING" sound played over the PA system whenever the home team's highest-paid player is introduced
* just ONE MLB player--after a fellow player signs for gazillions--say, "That contract is &%$# RIDICULOUS!"
* the Fordham men's basketball program show SOME signs of life
* a chewing gum that actually holds its flavor
* a full refund given to New York fans who attended the final game at Giants Stadium last weekend--an embarrassing 41-9 loss to Carolina
* John Calipari recruit a future Rhodes Scholar
* less salad and more chicken wraps inside the Travelers Championship media food tent
* former NFL stars O.J. Simpson and Rae Carruth square off in a jailhouse boxing match
* three consecutive nice days weather-wise here in New England
* troubled outfielder Milton Bradley just simply GO AWAY
* CT high schools/athletic directors be more media friendly
* another Tiger Woods doll; once it's wound up, it juggles women
* a "quality start" in baseball consist of pitching at least seven innings while giving up two runs or less
* donuts with healthful benefits
* an MLB/NFL team's home field known as Revolving Sponsor Stadium
* a future Barry Sanders born somewhere
* free Advil supplied to media members before covering high school football games on damp, 40-degree Friday evenings
* a future George Brett born somewhere
* a future Phillie Phanatic born somewhere
* responsible parenting at youth sporting events--or ANYWHERE, for that matter
* film clips of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders shown at each CT Sports Writers' Alliance monthly luncheon
* Victoria's Secret models WAITRESSING at the aforementioned luncheons
* the term "performance-enhancing drugs" show up in the newspaper less than five times per week
* more eloquent former football players turned analysts, i.e. Robert Smith
* LESS in-your-face/loudmouth/ex-player "analysts" like Shannon Sharpe
* wide receiver Wes Welker be cloned
* more athletes put forth all-out efforts like one Rafael Nadal
* the size of the annual SI Swimsuit Issue TRIPLE
* golfer John Daly come out with an exercise video
* more happy-go-lucky baseball players like Nick Swisher
* a foot race between Nick Johnson and Jason Varitek prior to the first Yankees/Red Sox meeting
* more NFL wide receivers like Larry Fitzgerald--one who acts like he's BEEN THERE BEFORE after scoring
* low-cost, anti-anxiety drugs for N.Y. Mets fans
* a new Tiger Woods-endorsed Gatorade flavor aimed at females called "U-Next?"
* a free luxury suite at each Yankee home game reserved for the homeless people of the Bronx
* Bohmart and Sacks (NYC bankruptcy lawyers) set up booths at both Yankee Stadium and Citi Field--just past the turnstiles
* free blood pressure screenings for Red Sox fans in-between innings of each Dice-K start
* Christie Brinkley fully divulge her anti-aging secrets
* Christie Brinkley seductively whisper those same secrets in a certain sports columnist's ear
* a book about sideline behavior written by UCONN coach Jim Calhoun entitled "Fun With Four Letters"
* a basketball player like John Stockton born somewhere
* a future Pat Tillman born somewhere
* more national anthems sung like the one performed by the U.S. Naval Academy glee club prior to the recent Army/Navy game in Philadelphia
* yes, once again, less writer's block
* ground finally broken on a "Steroid Era" wing at Cooperstown
* a "40-something" edition of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders
* ski masks distributed to Oakland Raiders fans that say "I Believed In JaMarcus Russell"
* finally, health, happiness and inner peace for the loyal readers of this column

Happy 2010, everyone!