"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 1-3-09

A Few Things One Columnist Would Like To See In 2009........


* softball superstar/stunning beauty Jennie Finch take a wrong turn while driving to her scheduled appearance at a softball coaches' clinic on January 10th at the Mohegan Sun--and end up in my driveway asking for directions
* Christie Brinkley do MORE infomercials for gym/fitness equipment
* a heated, comfortable, enclosed press box at a high school football field ANYWHERE in CT
* a fat-free pizza chain come into existence
* just ONE bare-armed football player--in sub-freezing weather--face the camera and admit, "I'm freezing my BUTT off!"
* just a FEW restful nights for Detroit Lions fans
* the U.S. government start bailing out broke/underpaid sports columnists
* the New England Patriots cheerleaders headline a pay-per-view mud-wrestling event
* front row seats for yours truly at that pay-per-view spectacular
* Brett Favre announce his retirement AGAIN--but this time while hooked up to a lie detector
* Barry Bonds, Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, O.J. Simpson, and Adam "Pacman" Jones involved in a poker competition at a minimum security prison; the fourth and fifth-place finishers are forced to complete their sentences at a maximum "pen"
* disgraced/jailed NBA referee Tim Donaghy given MORE time for attempting to fix the above competition
* just ONE set of neighborhood kids playing a backyard football game after a fresh snowfall--and play for an hour or more
* Roger Clemens find his conscience
* a beer that has healthful benefits and is good for your liver
* countless people in the sports media biz find a sense of humor
* EVERY newspaper be required to cover the NFL Pro Bowl in Hawaii (I'm game, 'Pooch!')
* N.Y. Giants coach Tom Coughlin do a teeth-whitening commercial--where he has to smile a lot
* Connecticut pass a zero-tolerance law pertaining to misbehaved parents at ANY scholastic athletic event
* NESN sideline reporter Heidi Watney model/pose for ANY men's publication
* Middletown's own Joey Logano experience immediate success on the NASCAR circuit
* Stephon Marbury sign a 10-year contract to play overseas
* a bankruptcy consulting booth at the entrance of the new Yankee Stadium
* 48-year-old stunner Carol Alt--recently featured in Playboy--show up at this newspaper's offices and inquire about the availability of a certain aging columnist
* just ONE tattooed NBA player offer the following: "The tattoos hold absolutely NO meaning at all for me personally; I simply possess them for no other reason than to show off and bring attention to myself"
* hear just ONE MLB player utter the following: "I'm in this SOLELY for the money--nothing else. I could care LESS about 'Joe Fan' out there and his three kids who can't afford to see me play anymore; hey, it's all about me anyway! And if it comes down to me spitting in a fan's face or going against my union's wishes, well, turn your head, sucker!"
* A-ROD, Jeter, Teixeira, and Sabathia drop 100 dollar bills from the upper deck during the 7th inning stretch of every home game played at Yankee Stadium
* Phils pitcher Jamie Moyer and N.Y. Giants kicker John Carney team to do a Geritol or AARP commercial--while Rod Stewart's "Forever Young" plays in the background
* more college football players like Florida State's Myron Rolle--who's proven that you can play at a "football factory" and STILL open a textbook regularly
* Plaxico Burress start his own line of bullet-proof sportswear
* any "Baywatch" rerun be aired during halftime of Super Bowl XLIII
* NOT celebrating wildly after a TD or sack to become the "cool" thing to do
* a PAVED parking lot at the Yale Bowl
* more media parking at the TPC in Cromwell
* a Hooters gift card included with every purchase of Advil and/or arthritis medication made by yours truly
* a future Secretariat-like thoroughbred be born somewhere in Kentucky
* crisis intervention specialists set up shop inside the new Yankee Stadium and counsel those individuals who believe they were robbed/abused at the ticket booth
* just ONE NFL game without a pass interference penalty
* the next Miss Hawaiian Tropic International competition to be held at the Valley Times offices--or at a similar media location of my choosing
* the Valley Times cover the above competition REGARDLESS of where it's held
* jumbo pretzels sold at Yankee Stadium shaped like dollar signs
* a "Video Game Boycott Week"--and for parents to ENFORCE it
* sports agent Scott Boras become a full-time auctioneer--since he has so much experience catering to the highest bidder
* Boras admit that he's previously made a deal with some shady people from the afterlife
* oil company executives admit the same thing
* a well-run fast-food restaurant
* Connecticut Defenders mascot "Cutter" get his own comedy gig
* Former Philadelphia Eagles owner Norman Braman and N.Y. Mets owner Fred Wilpon co-author a book entitled How NOT To Invest
* finally--health, peace, and prosperity to the loyal readers of this column.

Happy 2009, everyone.