"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 11-8-08

Yes, folks, MLB ballplayers have returned home; bats and gloves now start to collect dust in the closet. But let's not forget some of those performances that truly stood out in 2008:

*The first annual GOODBYE FINGERNAILS Award: Daisuke Matsuzaka of the Boston Red Sox. If any Sox fan out there watched this guy pitch regularly, your overall stress levels rose astronomically--DESPITE the fact that he won 18 games. Rumor has it that Boston-area drug stores saw a sharp rise in "Just For Men" hair color sales after every start made by Dice-K in '08.....
*The LITTLE BUCKS/BIG NUMBERS Award: Undoubtedly, this award is shared by Edinson Volquez and Joey Votto of the Cincinnati Reds. Volquez won 17 games and Votto drove in 84 runs--and they earned a COMBINED total of $800,000 in '08. As pointed out in a recent column, AROD earns that much for every FIVE games the Yankees play.....
*The GERITOL/AGE DOESN'T MATTER Award: For the second year in a row, Jamie Moyer of the Philadelphia Phillies. He went 16-7 for the world champion Phils while pitching almost 200 innings. If he hit you in the head with a fastball, you'd just laugh--but he still wins. He turns 46 later this month.....
*The BONNIE AND CLYDE/HIGHWAY ROBBERY Award: Also for the second year in a row, Barry Zito of the Giants. He pitched to a pitiful 10-17 record with an ERA of 5.15; I guess $18 million per year doesn't go as far as it once did. Andruw Jones of the Dodgers could have easily captured this honor; when he WAS on the field, Jones hit .158 while playing in only 75 games. Yes, he downright STOLE $14.7 million from the Dodgers, folks.....
*The BERT LAHR/COWARDLY LION Award: Shared by AROD, Derek Jeter, and Johnny Damon of the Yankees. EACH guy sat out all or part of the last day of the season vs. Boston in order to protect a .300 batting average. And for those of you who say Jeter was hurt (hit by a pitch a WEEK before), understand THIS: If N.Y. NEEDED to win that game, he'd be in the lineup with bells on--showing NO signs of any injury whatsoever. He took no heat for this (and it flew under the radar) because, well, he's JETER; shocked the heck out of me, and Ted Williams stirs from the grave.
*The GEORGE BRETT/PETE ROSE HONORARY THROWBACK PLAYER Award: Take your pick--Kevin Youkalis or Dustin Pedroia of Boston. If these guys ever come home with a clean uniform, they wouldn't sleep at night; can't picture these two guys in tuxedos, either.....
*The GLOVE OF STEEL Award: This goes to third baseman Mark Reynolds of the Diamondbacks--who made a whopping 34 errors this past season. The D'Backs' two first basemen, Chad Tracy and Conor Jackson (who shared duties this year), will have nightmares about Reynolds until they reach Social Security age.....
*The BLACKSTONE/HOUDINI DISAPPEARING ACT Award: I'll give this award for the second straight year to Dontrelle Willis of the Tigers. After winning 22 games in 2005, he's won a TOTAL of 22 since; he DID NOT win a game in 2008 while appearing in eight games and pitched to a 9.38 ERA (ouch!). He was SO bad this past season that he was banished to the minors for some time--all this coming after signing a 3-year/$29 million extension last winter. Yes, the 'D' in "D-Train" can only stand for one thing at this juncture: DUD.....
*The ARSONIST OF THE YEAR Award: Given to Eric Gagne of the Milwaukee Brewers. Pitching 46 innings, the once-dominating closer blew SEVEN saves, gave up 11 home runs, and pitched to a 5.44 ERA. The PR people from First Alert should hook up with any future team that Gagne pitches for and hand out fire extinguishers to various fans every time this guy warms up in the bullpen.....
*The HIT OR MISS Award: The aforementioned Mark Reynolds of the D'Backs wins THIS award, too. Almost HALF of his total hits this season were for extra bases; however he struck out a record 204 times. Rumor has it that the people in Arizona don't mind his whiffing due to the welcomed breezes it creates on some VERY hot, stifling days.....
*The MAYTAG/DEPENDABILITY Award: Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki has a yearly LOCK on this award. Once again, he played ALL 162 games--accumulating his usual 200+ hits (213). Funny thing is that he was considered by many to have had an "off year" in '08 due to making 5 errors in the outfield (he had never made more than 3 in a season) and hitting "only" .310 (his lowest since '05). I know--most teams can only WISH they had a guy who had such a "lousy" year, huh?.....
*The AVERSION TO WALKING Award: Yuniesky Betancourt of the Seattle Mariners--who drew just 17 bases on balls in 559 at-bats. Rumor has it that this guy once mistook a low flying, small white airplane in Seattle for a high fastball--and SWUNG at it.....
*The STAY AT FIRST Award: Melvin Mora of the Baltimore Orioles. He attempted to steal 10 bases in '08 and was thrown out SEVEN times. One can only assume that the Mora quintuplets (born to Melvin and his wife Gisel several years ago) have affected his baserunning--tiring out the talented infielder more than ANYONE can imagine.....
*The TONY BENNETT/BEST YEARS BEHIND HIM Award: Omar Vizquel of the S.F. Giants. Sadly, he dipped to a .222 batting average in '08--more than 50 points below his lifetime average. Omar, the best fielding SS I have ever seen, probably should have hung up the spikes after the '07 season when he hit .246; he's an automatic out now. Pedro Martinez, Mike Timlin, and Jason Varitek all finished high in this category.....
*The BUM OF THE YEAR Award: Manny Ramirez--hands down. Any guy who quits on a team while earning $20 million has already reserved a spot in a VERY hot place years down the road.....
*The RODNEY DANGERFIELD/LACK OF RESPECT Award: Jesse Carlson of the Toronto Blue Jays. This guy went 7-2 with a 2.25 ERA in 69 games--holding opponents to a .196 batting average. Did anyone out there notice?.....
*The PITIFULLY PUNCHLESS Award--for lack of offense: The Oakland A's; when you hit .242 as a team and your best hitter is Kurt Suzuki, you actually look FORWARD to the off-season.
*Finally, the DOLLY THE SHEEP/REASON TO CLONE Award: Mariano Rivera of the N.Y. Yankees. Part I: Almost 71 innings, 41 hits, 6 walks all year long. Part II: Converted 39 of 40 save opportunities, held opponents to a .165 average, and pitched to an ERA of 1.40. Yes, he's aged like a fine wine (and supermodel Carol Alt), and should be called "Sunrise" for his dependability instead of "Mo"; a truly unique individual.

Enjoy the off-season, everyone.