"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 2-02-08
Ah, yes, Super Bowl XLII this weekend--Giants/Patriots. Once again, yours truly envisions what it would be like viewing the "big game" with the following celebrities/notables and what the accompanying conversations might sound like:
Barry Bonds: Bob: "Barry, those linemen for the Pats are BIG!" Barry: "Yeah, man, 'roids rule!" Bob: "Would you care for some potato chips, Barry?" Barry: "Yeah, as long as they're made with flaxseed oil and nothing else; my body is all-natural, man!"
Barack Obama: Bob: "Looks like the Giants are double-teaming Randy Moss, Barack." Barack: "I know the feeling, Bob, especially when it comes to dealing with that two-headed monster known as 'Billary'!"
Michael Vick: Bob: "Hey, Mike, I think the referees are doing a great job today." Michael: "I'm so used to seeing guys wearing stripes all day long that I really didn't notice."
MSG CEO Jim Dolan: Bob: "Hey, Jim--the Pats and Giants seem to be very well-run franchises." Jim: "Yes, they are. Is there a book available on how to do that?"
TGC's Kelly Tilghman: Bob: "What do you think about the game's broadcasters, Kelly?" Kelly: "They're O.K.--but how come THEY didn't get in trouble every time John Lynch's name was mentioned in Super Bowl XXXVII?"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: Bob: "What team are you rooting for today, Nancy?" Nancy: "The team with the LEAST amount of registered Republicans."
Sharon Stone: "Bob, how come you are staring at me instead of examining the Patriots' blocking schemes?" Bob: "Truthfully, Sharon--no matter HOW hard I try to think otherwise--you look a HECKUVA LOT better than Logan Mankins and Nick Kaczur EVER did!"
Roger Clemens: Bob: "Hey, Rog, how' bout a beer?" Roger: "Sorry, Bob, but I never ingest ANYTHING stronger than Vitamin B-12."
Paris Hilton: Bob: "What did you think of Tom Petty's halftime performance, Paris?" Paris: "Pretty good, Bob. By the way--didn't he used to be a legendary NASCAR champion?"
Michael Jackson: Bob: "Wow, Michael, that team is having trouble moving the ball and their offense has come to a complete standstill." Michael: "Yeah, kinda reminds me of my career at the moment."
Howard Stern: Bob: "Howard, that Bill Belichick seems very serious and stoic on the sidelines today." Howard: "Yeah--kinda like me, huh?"
Model Kathy Ireland: Kathy: "Bob, would you mind if I slipped into something more comfortable at halftime?" Bob: (inaudible as he unexpectedly chokes on his chips, salsa, and Diet Coke).
S.F. Giants GM Brian Sabean: Bob: "Brian, I heard that TONS of people overpaid for Super Bowl tickets today." Brian: "I know the feeling, Bob--I signed Barry Zito."
Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay: "Hey Bob--why don't we go out for a bite to eat at halftime?" Bob: "O.K., Lindsay, but I'll drive."
Tiger Woods: Bob: "Tiger, as the football season winds down, the Giants and Pats have surely separated themselves from the competition--haven't they?" Tiger: "Competition? What's THAT?"
Sarah Jessica Parker: Bob: "Sarah, did you know that Patriots tackle Ryan O'Callaghan is 6'7" tall and weighs over 330 pounds?" Sarah: "Really? Gee, Bob, now Mr. Big doesn't seem as big to me anymore!"
Pitcher Livan Hernandez: Livan: "Bob, I'm told by many big league GM's that they like me 'cause I can eat up innings." Bob: "Yeah, and from the looks of that empty chip bowl, innings aren't the ONLY things you can eat up!"
James Gandolfini: Bob: "Jim, how do you think the Giants can contain Tom Brady in this game?" James: "Whack 'em!"Barry Bonds: Bob: "Barry, those linemen for the Pats are BIG!" Barry: "Yeah, man, 'roids rule!" Bob: "Would you care for some potato chips, Barry?" Barry: "Yeah, as long as they're made with flaxseed oil and nothing else; my body is all-natural, man!"
Barack Obama: Bob: "Looks like the Giants are double-teaming Randy Moss, Barack." Barack: "I know the feeling, Bob, especially when it comes to dealing with that two-headed monster known as 'Billary'!"
Michael Vick: Bob: "Hey, Mike, I think the referees are doing a great job today." Michael: "I'm so used to seeing guys wearing stripes all day long that I really didn't notice."
MSG CEO Jim Dolan: Bob: "Hey, Jim--the Pats and Giants seem to be very well-run franchises." Jim: "Yes, they are. Is there a book available on how to do that?"
TGC's Kelly Tilghman: Bob: "What do you think about the game's broadcasters, Kelly?" Kelly: "They're O.K.--but how come THEY didn't get in trouble every time John Lynch's name was mentioned in Super Bowl XXXVII?"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: Bob: "What team are you rooting for today, Nancy?" Nancy: "The team with the LEAST amount of registered Republicans."
Sharon Stone: "Bob, how come you are staring at me instead of examining the Patriots' blocking schemes?" Bob: "Truthfully, Sharon--no matter HOW hard I try to think otherwise--you look a HECKUVA LOT better than Logan Mankins and Nick Kaczur EVER did!"
Roger Clemens: Bob: "Hey, Rog, how' bout a beer?" Roger: "Sorry, Bob, but I never ingest ANYTHING stronger than Vitamin B-12."
Paris Hilton: Bob: "What did you think of Tom Petty's halftime performance, Paris?" Paris: "Pretty good, Bob. By the way--didn't he used to be a legendary NASCAR champion?"
Michael Jackson: Bob: "Wow, Michael, that team is having trouble moving the ball and their offense has come to a complete standstill." Michael: "Yeah, kinda reminds me of my career at the moment."
Howard Stern: Bob: "Howard, that Bill Belichick seems very serious and stoic on the sidelines today." Howard: "Yeah--kinda like me, huh?"
Model Kathy Ireland: Kathy: "Bob, would you mind if I slipped into something more comfortable at halftime?" Bob: (inaudible as he unexpectedly chokes on his chips, salsa, and Diet Coke).
S.F. Giants GM Brian Sabean: Bob: "Brian, I heard that TONS of people overpaid for Super Bowl tickets today." Brian: "I know the feeling, Bob--I signed Barry Zito."
Lindsay Lohan: Lindsay: "Hey Bob--why don't we go out for a bite to eat at halftime?" Bob: "O.K., Lindsay, but I'll drive."
Tiger Woods: Bob: "Tiger, as the football season winds down, the Giants and Pats have surely separated themselves from the competition--haven't they?" Tiger: "Competition? What's THAT?"
Sarah Jessica Parker: Bob: "Sarah, did you know that Patriots tackle Ryan O'Callaghan is 6'7" tall and weighs over 330 pounds?" Sarah: "Really? Gee, Bob, now Mr. Big doesn't seem as big to me anymore!"
Pitcher Livan Hernandez: Livan: "Bob, I'm told by many big league GM's that they like me 'cause I can eat up innings." Bob: "Yeah, and from the looks of that empty chip bowl, innings aren't the ONLY things you can eat up!"
Billy Joel: Bob: "Who are you picking to win today, 'Piano Man?'" Billy: "Bob, I'm in a New York state of mind."
Hillary Rodham Clinton: Bob: "Hey, Hill, what do you think of Pats safety Rodney Harrison?" Hillary: "He reminds me of Barack Obama, Bob--they BOTH play dirty."
Bill Gates: Bob: "Bill, I've heard that some people paid 6-7 thousand dollars for a ticket to today's Super Bowl." Bill: "I tipped my paper boy that much the other day, Bob."
Adam "Pacman" Jones: Adam: "Bob, how many times have the Patriots scored more than 30 points in a game this season?" Bob: "Almost as many times as you've been arrested these past couple of years, Adam."
Mary-Kate Olsen: Bob: "Geez, that player looks like he got hurt very badly and may require medical attention!" Mary-Kate: "I'll send my bodyguards, Bob."
Andy Pettitte: Bob: "Nice to chill out, throw down a few cold ones, and watch a good game--right, Andy?" Andy: "Yeah, but I swear-- I've only done this TWICE before!"
Enjoy the game, folks.
posted by Bob Lazzari @ 8:01 AM
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