Tuesday, December 25, 2007

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 12-29-07

A few things one sports columnist would like to see in 2008.......

*N.Y. Knicks coach Isiah Thomas lose the smile, the self-righteous attitude, and the JOB...

*Roger Federer win the French Open--allowing many of us to finally say with total certainty that he IS the greatest tennis player of all-time...
*actress Sharon Stone admit in an interview that she's in the market for a dimpled sports columnist...
*yours truly NOT lose the dimples...
*Bobby Petrino and Bill Parcells admit that they have NO clue what the word "loyalty" means...
*Titans CB Adam "Pacman" Jones enter the priesthood...
*wrongly-fired Southern Mississippi football coach Jeff Bower--who took his team to 10 bowl games in the last 11 years--land a great new job and experience success IMMEDIATELY...
*my former cable TV sports talk show co-host Keith Rice "knock 'em dead" at his new radio gig in Philly...
*the Phillie Phanatic put on the Hall of Fame ballot...
*a PC that LEGITIMATELY makes one's life easier...
*Barry Bonds or Roger Clemens sign a paycheck with an asterisk...
*a big-time college basketball player--seeking future employment in the NBA due to financial "hardship"--explain publicly how he paid for the car, the tattoos, the earrings, and the suits...
*a bigger press box at the Yale Bowl...
*better PARKING at the Yale Bowl...
*Michael Vick share an 8' X 10' jail cell with some hungry, vengeful dogs who truly know an animal abuser when they see one...
*a future hockey player like Wayne Gretzky or Mario Lemieux be conceived somewhere...
*free pizza for Detroit Tigers fans whenever Gary Sheffield says something stupid...
*a better year--both on AND off the field--for Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid...
*the Connecticut Sports Writers' Alliance hold its monthly luncheons at Hooters...
*Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci enroll in yoga classes...
*professional hockey allow no more "goons" in the game; hire them as bouncers at certain NHL arenas and only permit talented HOCKEY PLAYERS on the ice...
*major league baseball players be REQUIRED by their "esteemed" union to make a hefty, yearly donation to a charity chosen by the late Curt Flood's family...
*a test to see if various major league players ever HEARD of Curt Flood...
*just ONE MLB player named in the Mitchell Report utter the following: "I'm a bum, a cheater, and a money-hungry idiot--and need to seriously re-examine my priorities as a human being; I'm also part of the most immoral, unethical "labor" union in the history of mankind"...
*a semi-dry fortnight at Wimbledon...
*less jocks and more JOURNALISTS in sports broadcasting...
*Yankees GM Brian Cashman take a lie detector test and proceed to say he knew NOTHING about the steroid use on the parts of any New York players named in the Mitchell Report...
*Heidi Klum sell/model swimwear on QVC during halftime of Super Bowl XLII...
*a video game that stops itself one minute after starting--then directs the young viewer to go to the nearest playground and become involved in a pick-up game of any kind...
*low calorie, fat-free, GOOD-TASTING donuts...
*free gasoline for basketball fans in Miami whenever Shaquille O'Neal misses a free throw...
*less 35 degree, damp days in New England--resulting in less Advil-popping by a particular arthritic sports columnist...
*a new graphic shown on baseball telecasts when players' individual statistics are shown, abbreviated NIMR ("Named In Mitchell Report)--followed by a simple "yes" or "no"...
*a syringe become a permanent part of MLB's logo...
*FOX sideline reporter Tony Siragusa pair up with Rosie O'Donnell on "Dancing With The Stars"...
*a bankruptcy firm set up a booth inside Yankee Stadium--located just past the turnstiles...
*a new book titled "How To Run A Professional Franchise Into The Ground--co-authored by Peter Angelos and James Dolan...
*a bare-chested fan at a major league ballpark appear on television and hold up a sign that reads, "I just lost my shirt at the ticket window"...
*the Valley Times hold a sports luncheon--hiring the New England Patriots cheerleaders as waitresses...
*FOX show NOTHING but highlights of Walter Payton and Barry Sanders during halftime at Super Bowl XLII...
*Buffalo Bills TE Kevin Everett continue to rehab nicely...
*a big league ballpark with special turnstiles that make the sound of "KA-CHING!" each time a paying customer enters...
*a time frame of SIX months go by wherein NO professional ballpark or arena changes its name...
*a fantasy cheerleading league...
*coaches like Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno leave it in the hands of the younger guys; yes, it's time, fellas...
*Pats coach Bill Belichick take "image improvement" classes...
*a boxing fan be able to name EVERY champion in EVERY weight division...
*a "Worst Tattoo" competition at halftime of the NBA All-Star game...
*a college team nicknamed the "Gym Rats"...
*finally, health, happiness, and a great new year for all my readers. Happy 2008, everyone.

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