"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 10-13-07

Yes, as the postseason winds down and we look back on baseball's 2007 regular season, it's time to award a few of those individuals/performances that truly stood out:

*The LITTLE BUCKS/BIG NUMBERS Award: Outfielder Brad Hawpe of the Rockies. He hit .291 and drove in 116 runs--all while earning a modest yearly salary of $403,000. *INTERESTING NOTE: A-Rod earned that much for every THREE games he played in 2007.....
*The GERITOL/AGE DOESN'T MATTER Award: Jamie Moyer of the Philadelphia Phillies. Although he pitched to a high ERA, he DID win 14 games, made 33 starts, and actually pitched a complete game. Although he can't break a pane of glass with his fastball (and probably couldn't do that even in his PRIME), I'd trade my arthritic body for his in a heartbeat; he turns 45 in November.....
*The BONNIE AND CLYDE/HIGHWAY ROBBERY Award--for stealing large sums of money: Barry Zito of the Giants. After signing a 7-year, GAZILLION dollar contract in the off-season, he went 11-13 with an ERA of 4.53--"helping" the Giants to a 71-91 record. Andruw Jones, Bartolo Colon, Vicente Padilla, Jason Giambi, J.D. Drew and Roger Clemens also placed high in this category.....
*The TOUGH LOVE Award: Manager Bud Black of the Padres--who wrestled his team's volatile/troublemaking outfielder Milton Bradley to the ground during an altercation with an umpire--resulting in Bradley tearing his ACL. There's a lesson to be learned there somewhere, Milton.....
*The second annual DAVID ECKSTEIN/OVERACHIEVEMENT Award: Dustin Pedroia of the Red Sox; the man simply personifies the word "scrappy." Pretty much an unknown at the beginning of the season, he put up some good #'s, too--batting .317 with 39 doubles and striking out only 42 times. In a nutshell, a team filled with Pedroias can move mountains.....
*The AVERSION TO WALKING Award: Howie Kendrick of the Los Angeles Angels--who drew just NINE bases on balls in 338 at-bats. This guy may someday become the first player ever to swing at a breaking pitch that ends up in another zip code.....
*The RODNEY DANGERFIELD/LACK OF RESPECT Award: Placido Polanco of the Detroit Tigers. The veteran hit .341, had 200 hits, and made NO errors at second base; we almost didn't notice due to teammate Magglio Ordonez' huge year and the occasional pop-off by loudmouth Gary Sheffield. Pirates pitcher Tom Gorzelanny and IF Brandon Phillips of Cincinnati also placed high in this category.....
*The GEORGE BRETT/PETE ROSE HONORARY THROWBACK PLAYER Award: Eric Byrnes of the Arizona D'Backs. Watch this guy play just one game and you'll see what I mean.....
*The GLOVE OF STEEL Award: This goes to third baseman Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers--who made 26 errors in 112 games. Rumor has it that he may wear a facemask in the field next season in order to protect his good looks.....
*The ARSONIST OF THE YEAR Award--for putting gas on fires: Without question, goes to Brian Stokes of the Devil Rays. He pitched 62 innings in relief and gave up a whopping 90 hits--all while pitching to an inflated 7.07 ERA. My question is this: HOW could a guy with those type of #'s actually appear in 59 games? Go figure. Antonio Alfonseca and Mike Stanton also received votes as well as Eric Gagne of the Red Sox--who scared the residents of Boston at times almost as much as one Albert DeSalvo did back in the early 60's.....
*The BLACKSTONE/HOUDINI DISAPPEARING ACT Award: Dontrelle Willis of the Marlins. After winning 22 games in 2005, he's won a TOTAL of 22 since--and his ERA this past season was a pitiful 5.17. Yes, the formerly highly-touted "D-Train" has become derailed, folks; if manager Fredi Gonzalez develops ulcers this off-season, blame it all on Dontrelle. By the way--where did Rocco Baldelli go, anyway?.....
*The HIT OR MISS Award: Ryan Howard of the Philadelphia Phillies. He hit 47 homers but struck out a robust 199 times. If this guy can significantly lower his strikeout totals, he could win 10 MVP awards.....
*The MAYTAG/DEPENDABILITY Award: Once again, it goes to Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki. He played 161 games, accumulated 238 hits, and hit .351. In addition, he made just ONE error--continuing his streak of never making more than three errors in one season. The man is simply a MACHINE--and a helluva ballplayer to boot.....
*The BILL CLINTON/TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT Award: Rick Ankiel of the St. Louis Cardinals. Originally looked at as a "feel good"/inspirational story after returning to the majors as an outfielder this year (after failing as a pitcher in the past), he reportedly received eight shipments of HGH from a pharmacy in Orlando from January to December 2004. Great role model, Rick.....
*The STAY AT FIRST Award: Goes to White Sox infielder Juan Uribe--who was 1-for-10 (not a misprint) in stolen base attempts. I'm sure he will receive 'STOP' signs as gag gifts from his base coaches this off-season.....
*The TONY BENNETT/BEST YEARS BEHIND HIM Award: Tom Glavine of the N.Y. Mets--who had NOTHING to offer athletically come September. I think of Glavine now and I think of my car's gas tank--always leaning toward empty. Roger Clemens, Kevin Millwood and Craig Counsell all received votes in this category.....
*The BUM OF THE YEAR Award: Barry Bonds--who will most likely receive this honor every year from now on--even when his playing days are over. His "sideshow/all about me" year in San Francisco was indeed a distraction; the team went 71-91 and once he finally hit # 756, he did a disappearing act--qualifying him for the aforementioned Blackstone/Houdini Award. Ah, a "fine" teammate, huh? And I now wonder how Bonds would respond to the fact that there are kids out there who've probably tried steroids simply "because Barry did." Hey Barry: When you can't bend over a few years from now due to your broken down/steroid-ruined body, let me know if holding a tainted record still means as much to you as it did back in 2007....
*The PITIFULLY PUNCHLESS Award--for a lack of power: Once again, goes to the Kansas City Royals. They hit only 102 home runs as a team and had NO player on the squad with more than 62 RBI's. Ughhhhhh.....
*Finally, the DOLLY THE SHEEP/REASON TO CLONE Award: For the THIRD year in a row, it goes to Craig Biggio of the Houston Astros. He played his TWENTIETH major league season--all spent with Houston. Not only did he reach the 3,000 hit plateau, he did it with a flare--getting FIVE hits that day; he also hit a grand slam on the day he announced his retirement. A class act THROUGHOUT his career, the modern athlete can learn TONS from Mr. Biggio. Thanks for your integrity, Craig--and good luck.