"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 09-22-07

If I'm writing sports headlines..........

*Jim Thome hits career home run #500: Epi-"Thome" Of A Slugger
*Prince Fielder sets Brewers team record with his 46th HR of the season: Prince Now King In Milwaukee Record Book
*UCONN RB Donald Brown benched vs. Temple: This Brown Is Blue
*Justine Henin wins the U.S. Open at the National Tennis Center in NY: Queen Of Queens
*Should Rockies OF Matt Holliday garner a huge, multi-year contract: Paid Holliday
*Texas Tech QB Graham Harrell throws SIX TD passes during a 59-24 victory over Rice: Fried Rice
*Paul Byrd win his 15th game for the Cleveland Indians: High-Flying Byrd
*Chicago White Sox occupy the cellar of the AL Central: Smelly Sox
*N.E. Patriots coach Bill Belichick fined as the team was found to have videotaped the Jets defensive signals: Bill Of Wrongs
*Red Sox rookie Clay Buchholz no-hits the Orioles: A Gem Etched In "Clay"
*Switzerland's Roger Federer celebrates yet another Grand Slam title at the U.S. Open: Swiss Bliss
*22nd-ranked Tennessee gets annihilated by Florida 59-20: Volun-"Tears"
*Willie Harris of the Atlanta Braves struggles through a miserable, late-season slump: Chilly Willie
*Baltimore Orioles go through a 3-16 stretch--assuring another losing season: O's Woes
*Coast Guard QB Christian George leads his team to a 36-31 victory over Merchant Marine: By George! Christian Leads Coast Guard
*Indiana Pacers' legal woes continue as forward Shawne Williams is arrested on marijuana possession charges: Another Pacer Goes to Pot
*Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett beats Yankees ace Chien-Ming Wang 10-1 in a battle of Cy Young hopefuls: Josh Can Do No "Wang"--Stymies Yankees
*N.Y. Yankees rally in late innings vs. Red Sox closer Jon Papelbon--resulting in an 8-7 N.Y. victory: "Pap" Smear
*Michael Strahan of the N.Y. Giants lets a Brett Favre pass go RIGHT through his hands last weekend: Stray Hands
*Philadelphia Phillies experiencing bullpen problems: Philled With Holes
*Should Red Sox OF Jacoby Ellsbury strike it rich with a multi-million dollar contract: Ellsbury "Dough" Boy
*K.C. Royals pitcher Neal Musser breaks the little finger on his right hand after punching a chair following a bad relief effort: Neal Stinky--Then Breaks Pinky
*UCONN gets a scare from 30-point underdog Temple--but holds on to win 22-17: "Hoooo" Would Have Thought? Huskies Barely Nip Owls
*Michigan beats Notre Dame 38-0--leaving N.D. winless after three games for just the second time in school history: Irish Eyes NOT Smiling
*No. 1 draft pick JaMarcus Russell signs a $31 million guaranteed deal with the Oakland Raiders: RU$$ELL $IGNS
*Mike Hart of Michigan rushes for 187 yards during the aforementioned victory over Notre Dame: Hart-Felt Loss For Irish
........and finally,
* Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci and wife Michelle celebrate 39th wedding anniversary: A Wife Deserving Of Sainthood