"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 12-30-06

A few things one sports columnist would like to see in 2007.......

*more sports stories like the one about former NFL DB Everson Walls--who is selflessly donating a kidney to ex-Cowboys teammate Ron Springs; yes, sometimes--albeit rarely--it's NOT all about the money, folks...
*a temporary jail constructed at the Cincinnati Bengals practice facility...
*a special horse leave his ICU stall in Kennett Square, PA, and continue recuperating at a farm in Kentucky--further adding to the heartwarming story of one named "Barbaro"...
*O.J. Simpson write a book entitled How I'd Listen To My Conscience--IF I Had One...
*have athletes sign binding contracts when they supposedly "retire" that make them actually RETIRE--thus saving many of us these bogus, fake "farewell tours" which have become more commonplace (listening Brett Favre, Roger Clemens, etc.?)...
*a young fan at Yankee Stadium hold up a placard that reads, "HI, MOM--SEND MONEY; I WAS JUST ROBBED AT THE TICKET BOOTH"...
*hear just ONE ex-jock in the broadcast booth say THIS: "I don't belong here; I am under-qualified, have no journalistic ability, am loud and obnoxious, and got this gig SOLELY because I played professionally--but I will try my best"...
*Charlize Theron and/or Sharon Stone show up at the Valley Times editorial offices looking for the sports columnist with the dimples...
*A-ROD make headlines due to bouncing numerous personal checks...
*the University of Miami (FL) have more WINS than mentions in the police briefs...
*Citibank open mortgage loan/refinancing booths adjacent to the aforementioned N.Y. Yankees ticket booths (thanks, Tony D.!)...
*scientists begin discussing the possibility of cloning Colts WR Marvin Harrison...
*scientists begin discussing the possibility of cloning Charlize Theron or Sharon Stone...
*college basketball players pay more attention to developing a disciplined game than to the # of tattoos they have...
*Isiah Thomas write a book entitled How To Build a Successful Basketball Franchise--one that has 200 blank pages inside...
*Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis do a TV commercial for portable urinals...
*a bulls-eye on fences at major league ballparks with a picture of Paris Hilton on them; hit one and you win 2 nights free at any Hilton Hotel...
*an NBA fan hold up a placard when the TV camera is on him/her--a sign complete with an arrow on it pointing to the court which reads "Brawl THAT Way"...
*CBS football "analyst" Shannon Sharpe take speech lessons--and KEEP taking them for the next TEN years...
*a cheerleading/swimsuit competition among various NFL squads at the halftime of Super Bowl XLI...
*an L.A. Lakers game with approximately 100 homeless people sitting courtside--while a guy named Nicholson sits in the rafters…
*no bull-riding on television...
*former lefty relief pitcher Jesse Orosco make a comeback at age 50--further adding credence to the old saying "old lefties never die--they just sign new contracts"...
*Rutgers prove that the 2006 football season was no fluke...
*tennis player Roger Federer prove that he's HUMAN…
*N.Y. Giants coach Tom Coughlin do some U.S. Marine Corps recruiting in the off-season...
*Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez not disappear mentally immediately after game 140...
*"Charlie's Angels" reruns during the many rain delays at Wimbledon...
*just ONE NBA game where a team shoots 60% from the field and 80% from the free-throw line...
*a competition where muzzles are put on NFL players Terrell Owens and Jeremy Shockey; whoever removes one first donates $5 million to charity...
*female sideline reporters do end zone dances instead of NFL players who score touchdowns...
*Red Sox pitcher Jon Lester stay healthy...
*a Barry Bonds bobblehead doll with a head the size of a basketball...
*a bobblehead doll of Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci wearing his old Derby High football jersey (appearing about three sizes too small)--showing lots of flesh around the waistline...
*VIAGRA sponsor an old-folks home shuffleboard tournament…
*less writer's block...
*Donald Trump buy the N.Y. Knicks and tell Isiah Thomas, "You're fired!" on live television...
*a 39-cent American postage stamp featuring former NFL DB/soldier Pat Tillman...
*happiness and health for all my readers.

Best wishes for a great '07, everyone!

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.