"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 11-25-06

Yes, as we look back on the 2006 baseball season, it's time to recognize a few of those performances that stood out--good AND bad:

*The LITTLE BUCKS/BIG NUMBERS Award: Goes to the Colorado Rockies' duo of Garrett Atkins and Matt Holliday. These two guys finished fourth and fifth, respectively, in the NL batting race and combined for almost 400 hits; they also partnered up to drive in 234 runs and smacked 93 doubles between them. What kept GM Dan O'Dowd smiling all year long? The pair earned a COMBINED total of $835,000 in 2006--which is approximately what Alex Rodriguez earns every six games he plays.....
*The GERITOL/AGE DOESN'T MATTER Award: Julio Franco of the New York Mets (for the third year in a row--he'll win this award yearly as long as he's active). Now 48 years old (his published age), he hit .273 in 165 at-bats and stole six bases; he also fell a triple shy of hitting for the cycle during one game. He'll still be playing baseball when Britney Spears' children start plugging arthritis and hemorrhoid medicines.....
*The BONNIE AND CLYDE/HIGHWAY ROBBERY Award--for stealing large sums of money: Has to go to L.A. Angels pitcher Bartolo Colon. Due to injuries, he made just ten starts in '06--pitching 56 innings, allowing 71 hits, and compiling a 5.11 ERA while winning ONE game. Nonetheless, he was paid $14 million last season. If my math is correct, that is, ummmmm, $14 million PER WIN. The Royals' Mike Sweeney came in a close second--playing 60 games, hitting .258, and pocketing $11 million.....
*The first annual DAVID ECKSTEIN/OVERACHIEVEMENT Award: Since we can't give it to its namesake, Eckstein, it'll go to the Florida Marlins--who were in the playoff hunt until late in the season DESPITE having a TOTAL team payroll of less than $15 million. (Note: The N.Y. Yankees had FIVE players who each earned more than the Marlins' entire payroll in 2006).....
*The RODNEY DANGERFIELD/LACK OF RESPECT Award: Travis Hafner of the Cleveland Indians. The man hit .308 with 42 HR's, 117 RBI's, and 100 runs scored--compiling a slugging percentage of .659. Oh, he DID NOT make the AL All-Star squad last season.
*The GLOVE OF STEEL Award: Reds third baseman Edwin Encarnacion--who made 25 errors in 111 games at third base. Only good thing for Reds fans is that many of them didn't see Encarnacion's miscues due to the fact that they covered their eyes whenever balls were hit in his direction.....
*The ARSONIST OF THE YEAR Award--for putting gas on fires: Chris Reitsma of the Atlanta Braves--hands down. Here's a guy who was slated to be the team's possible closer going into 2006. He appeared in only 27 games--pitching 28 innings, giving up 46 hits, and pitching to a pitiful ERA of 8.68. However, I am sure Reitsma's agent will point out the fact that Chris made NO errors in 2006--thus easily warranting his $2.75 million salary.....
*The BLACKSTONE/HOUDINI DISAPPEARING ACT Award: Undoubtedly, this must go to Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano. Since signing a four-year, $40 million contract before the 2005 season, Carl has been conspicuously absent from the mound and has won just four games for the Yanks due to injury; he's received more headlines in regard to an auto accident in Florida than for his pitching exploits in New York. Rumor has it that, due to all the free time on his hands while rehabbing, he's been helping O.J. Simpson search for the "real" killer of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman......
*The MARCUS WELBY, M.D./GOOD "DOCTORING" Award: Goes to pitcher Kenny Rogers of the Detroit Tigers--who loaded up brand new white baseballs on occasion to make them look like they were 7-balls in pocket billiards. Rogers would be an ideal worker this holiday season at the Hallmark factory--painting Christmas ornaments a brownish-like color.....
*The MAYTAG/DEPENDABILITY Award: Ichiro Suzuki of the Seattle Mariners. This guy accumulated 200+ hits, hit above .300, and scored 100 or more runs for the SIXTH straight season; I swear, he can accomplish this wearing an eye patch. He also played at least 157 games and stole 30 or more bases for the sixth consecutive season; in addition, he has never made more than three errors in one year. Simply amazing.....
*The BILL CLINTON/TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT Award: The N.Y. Yankees--who had a payroll of $200 million but couldn't get out of the first round of the playoffs. Still, rumor has it that owner Steinbrenner no longer even talks to GM Cashman; George now simply leaves the following message on his answering machine for Brian: "Just remember, if ANY team gets within $50 million of our payroll, you are FIRED".....
*The STAY AT FIRST Award: The Braves' Jeff Francoeur wins this "esteemed" award. He attempted to steal seven bases this season and was caught SIX times. If you see the Braves' first base coach with a noose dangling from his pocket in 2007, you'll know what it's being used for.....
*The TONY BENNETT/BEST YEARS BEHIND HIM Award: Many people qualified, but I'll give it to the Braves' Tim Hudson. After starring in Oakland, he's been nothing more than an average pitcher in Atlanta--giving up more hits than innings pitched; he's also given up more home runs in the NL than he did in the AL--which makes no sense at all. Mike Piazza has also been a strong candidate for this award the past few years.....
*The PITIFULLY PUNCHLESS Award--for a lack of power: The Kansas City Royals--who hit a team total of just 124 homers during 2006--well below any other team's output. Baseball fans see home runs in Kansas City about as often as they see 50-degree days in July.....
*Finally, the DOLLY THE SHEEP/REASON TO CLONE Award: For the second year in a row, it goes to Craig Biggio of the Houston Astros. He has just signed to play his TWENTIETH major league season, all spent loyally in ONE city-- Houston. He's always been aware of fellow players jumping at big-money contracts and ultimately regretting it later; he plays hard, doesn't mouth off, and will collect his 3,000th hit in 2007. Thanks for your integrity, Craig, and for just being YOU.

Congratulations, everyone!

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.