"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 06-10-06

If I'm writing sports headlines,
here's how they'd look
(story in parentheses).......

*(Barry Bonds passing Babe Ruth on the all-time HR list):
'ROID RAGE--BARRY "SHOOTS" PAST THE BABE!

*(Allard Baird fired as GM of the low-payroll, last-place K.C. Royals):
BAIRD RELIEVED OF GM DUTIES--REALLY RELIEVED!

*(Matt Leinart reportedly dating Paris Hilton):
HIGH DRAFT PICK MEETS HIGH MAINTENANCE

*(When the Red Sox part ways with reliever Keith Foulke):
THAT'S ALL, FOULKE!

*(Roger Clemens signing a $12 million, half-year contract with the Houston Astros): ROGER STRIKES GOLD--NOT OIL--IN TEXAS

*(Former NBA center Bob Lanier donates his size-22 sneakers to the Hall of Fame): GREATEST SHOE ON EARTH

*(The overall, continuing steroid saga in baseball):
THE "SHOTS" HEARD 'ROUND THE WORLD

*(A's catcher Jason Kendall ending a 961 at-bat homerless streak):
NO DOUBT: THIS JASON NOT ON 'ROIDS

*(Tennis player Rafael Nadal's record clay-court winning streak):
CLAY “ACHIN’” FOR NADAL'S OPPONENTS

*(Petite Danica Patrick's overall success so far in auto racing):
"MINI" DRIVER

*(Virginia wins their fourth NCAA lacrosse title): BOSS OF LACROSSE

*(Yankees starting P Chien-Ming Wang brought in to get a save vs. Baltimore last weekend): WANG MOVE TURNS OUT RIGHT

*(Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban fined $100,000 for his criticism of referee calls): CUBAN WHISTLE CRISIS

*(Tigers infielder Ramon Santiago in a batting slump):
SANTIAGO CHILLY

*(When Bill Parcells has his first run-in with WR Terrell Owens):
TUNA MELT-DOWN

*(Yankees P Carl Pavano's continued physical problems):
KING OF HURTS

*(Bengals LB A.J. Nicholson--with a history of off-the-field problems--recently charged with burglary/grand theft): BENGAL CAN'T CHANGE STRIPES; MAY WEAR THEM SOON

*(Kevin Youkilis' early season success with the Boston Red Sox): "YOUK" NO FLUKE

*(Another frequently ineffective outing by Red Sox P Matt Clement): NOT-SO-DARLING-CLEMENT-TIME

*(American Justin Gatlin clocks a record time in the 100 meters at a meet in Qatar): JUSTIN TIME: 9.76 SECONDS

*(Phillies OF Aaron Rowand breaks his nose running into a wall): OUTFIELDER'S HUSTLE "NOSE" NO BOUNDS

*(Suspended, substance-abusing RB Ricky Williams--given an opportunity to play in the CFL with Toronto): POT LUCK

*Finally, (Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci retires from his "day job"): "POOCH" UNLEASHED


Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.