Sunday, January 29, 2006

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 02-04-06

Super Bowl LX--ah, the "big game" this weekend. I'm not sure where, or with whom, I'll watch it, but I thought I'd imagine what it would be like--along with the possible accompanying conversations--if I were to view the Pittsburgh/Seattle battle with the following individuals:

O.J. Simpson: O.J: "Boy, those Steelers are running through the Seattle defense like a knife through butter." Bob: "Well, Juice, you should know--having "knifed" through people before; by the way, I see that most football players wear gloves now--see any bloody ones on the field that look familiar?"
Paris Hilton: Bob: "Paris, I thought that--due to your wealth and socialite stature--you'd enjoy some caviar while watching the game." Paris: "Thanks, Bob; I've always been a great connoisseur of frogs’ legs."
Omar Minaya: Bob: "Omar, that Shaun Alexander can REALLY run with the football!" Omar: "Yes, Bob, and if he were of Hispanic descent, I would have signed him to pinch-run for my team! Anyway, Let's Go Mets!"
Mike Tyson: Mike: "Bob, why do you have SO much food and so many snacks on the coffee table?" Bob: "I dunno, Mike--I guess I've just been a bit nervous ever since you made the statement that you wanted to eat someone's children."
Charlize Theron: Charlize: "Bob, how come you constantly have your eyes on ME when the game is being shown on the large-screen TV over THERE?" Bob: "WHAT game, Charlize?"
Isiah Thomas: Isiah: "Geez, Bob, those Steeler receivers are really being harassed by the Seattle secondary; then again, how/why would I know anything about harassment?" Bob: "I dunno, Isiah."
Anna Nicole Smith: Bob: "Hey, Anna, the legendary Rolling Stones are gonna perform at halftime!" Anna: "Great! I just LOVE Mick Fleetwood's voice!"
Dr. Phil: Bob: "Hey, Phil, those Seahawk players are looking a little dejected on the sidelines." Phil: "Bob, I want those guys to get excited about their lives!"
Howard Stern: Bob: "Howard, are you a big football fan?" Howard: "Who cares? I'm just wondering if any of those players have ever had a sex change operation or have worn women's clothing."
Bill Clinton: Bob: "Hey, Bill--those Seattle Sea Gals are very attractive cheerleaders." Bill (pointing at one of them): "I did NOT have.........."
Tony Bennett: Bob: "Hey, Tony, why aren't YOU singing the National Anthem today?" Tony: "Well, Bob, I asked the organizers the same thing and they told me that, at this juncture, I currently can block and kick better than I can sing."
Eric Clapton: Bob: "Hey, Eric, with all the commercials--along with the halftime show--when do you think this game will end?" Eric (singing): "After midnight........"
Don Rickles: Bob: "Don, ever notice that Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher always has such a nasty scowl on his face?" Don: "You've never seen my wife when I ask her if she wants to get romantic!"
Ilie Nastase: Bob: "Ilie, what did you think of that pass interference call by that official?" Ilie: "That &%$# guy has been blowing &$%# calls all %^&% day long!"
George Steinbrenner: Bob: "George, do you think Seattle can pull this game off?" George: "Hell, no--their payroll isn't NEARLY high enough."
Disgraced, former CT governor John Rowland: Bob: "Hey, John, when was the last time you watched any football?" John: "I'm not sure, Bob, but those officials wearing stripes look AWFULLY familiar!"

Enjoy the game, everyone.

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.


Post a Comment

<< Home