"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 12-31-05

As we head into 2006, here are just a few things that one sports columnist would love to see in the upcoming year (call me a dreamer, but hey--we all do that from time to time):

*a pro football game without a pass interference call.....
*a challenge/review in a pro football game that doesn't take 10 times longer than the original play in question.....
*Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci take ballet lessons during his newly-found free time.....
*just ONE college athletic director utter the following words: "We don't follow academic rules--nor care to--and have never done such a preposterous thing. We look at our sports programs as nothing more than minor leagues to professional careers; stressing academics can do nothing more than get in the way of our true, SOLE purpose, that is, to generate TONS of money for our institution with no regard to scruples and/or morals.".....
*athletes like Barry Bonds, Ron Artest, and Terrell Owens go on a cruise together to an obscure island off the coast of New Guinea where there is absolutely NO communication with the outside world--and to STAY there.....
*a sign at a major league ticket window that reads, "We assume NO liability for the crime of robbery that, unfortunately, you will be a victim of as soon as you purchase tickets on these premises.".....
*RB Reggie Bush enter the NFL and proceed to enjoy a career--both on AND off the field--like Curtis Martin.....
*one--just ONE New York Yankees fan say this: "Very simply, my team is now in the business of buying (or at least ATTEMPTING to buy) pennants; let's be real. The majority of our players are greedy, overpriced, hired guns who would not care less about the so-called 'Yankee tradition'/history had George Steinbrenner not outspent everyone for their services. It's NOTHING like it once was in the Bronx; it's a joke and I simply root for the uniform now--nothing more.".....
*an NBA game where both teams shoot above 50% from the field…..
*Green Bay Packers QB Brett Favre--after a horrific 2005 season--call it quits now and not come back next year simply to "go out on a higher note;" with your health currently intact, it's time, Mr. Favre.....
*actress Sharon Stone show up unexpectedly at the Valley Times' editorial offices and inquire if the paper's sports columnist prefers older women.....
*a major sports team enact a Fan Appreciation Month where, for at least 30 days, "Blue Collar Joe" and similar aficionados (aka 'REAL' fans) can enjoy GREATLY-REDUCED prices to games--enabling them to NOT worry about where their next mortgage payment will come from.....
*a Rhodes Scholar recipient join the NASCAR racing circuit.....
*a sports columnist/writers convention held on Waikiki Beach in Hawaii (and every year thereafter)--hosted by the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.....
*a newly-retired, professional athlete offer the following words: "I have NO interest in a broadcasting career; I prefer to leave that kind of work to people who are TRAINED in the journalistic arts. Instead, I will pursue a more appropriate line of work should I feel a need to stay busy—without having to worry about embarrassing myself.".....
*UCONN basketball forward Josh Boone find a new hairstyle.....
*aforementioned sports editor Bill Pucci find MORE hair.....
*New York Mets fans turn their backs whenever first baseman Carlos Delgado comes to bat this coming season.....
*the Major League Baseball Players Association require players to wear a shoulder patch that reads, "Remember, it's ALWAYS about the money."

Happy New Year to all!

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.