"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" ---- 10-15-05

Yes, as the baseball season winds down, it's that time again--to honor just a few of those players whose performances/actions (good or bad) surely stood out during the 2005 season:

*The ARSONIST OF THE YEAR Award--for putting gas on fires: Dan Kolb of the Atlanta Braves; brought in to be the team's closer this year, he gave up 78 hits in 57 innings--going 3-8 with an ERA of close to 6.00. He earned nearly $3.5 million doing it, also; many of my friends have relayed to me that they could have done just as well--for a HELLUVA lot less money. LaTroy Hawkins of the Cubs/Giants finished second--blowing NINE saves this season.....
*The BONNIE AND CLYDE/HIGHWAY ROBBERY Award--for stealing large sums of money: (tie) Sammy Sosa of the Orioles and Kevin Brown of the Yankees; Sosa hit .221 with 14 homers and 45 RBI's while pocketing close to $18 million. Brown pitched 73 innings, gave up over 100 hits, and pitched to a "stellar" ERA of 6.50. Kevin's conscience, however, may not be bothering him as much as Sammy's: he "only" earned around $16 million for his fabulous efforts. Arizona pitcher Russ Ortiz and Reds hurler Eric Milton also finished near the top in this category.....
*The BLACKSTONE/HOUDINI DISAPPEARING ACT Award: Mike Lowell of the Florida Marlins. A former All-Star and once-coveted player who decided to remain with the Marlins last winter, Lowell hit .236 this season with a paltry total of 8 home runs in 500 at-bats. Highly touted outfielder Corey Patterson of the Cubs finished a close second--hitting a "robust" .215.....
*The HOME IS WHERE THE HITS ARE Award: Aaron Miles of the Colorado Rockies--who hit .347 in the friendly confines of Coors Field, but a laughable .208 on the road. A word of advice: Stay put in Colorado, Aaron.....
*The SMALL NUMBERS MEAN BIG PROBLEMS Award: The Kansas City Royals--whose pitching staff had a grand total of just 25 saves this season. In contrast, former Royals Dan Quisenberry and Jeff Montgomery had 45 saves APIECE during the 1983 and 1993 seasons, respectively.....
*The RODNEY DANGERFIELD/LACK OF RESPECT Award: Chris Capuano of the Milwaukee Brewers--who won 18 games this year while very few baseball fans even noticed. Ask most people if they've ever heard of Capuano and they'll answer that it's a place in California that swallows fly in and out of yearly.....
*The TONY BENNETT/BEST YEARS BEHIND HIM Award: Pitcher Jose Lima of the K.C. Royals; a former 20-game winner, he went 5-16 this season with an ERA close to SEVEN. He's now a sub-.500 pitcher in his career while his lifetime ERA continues to balloon at a faster rate than the concession stand prices at Yankee Stadium.....
*The GLOVE OF STEEL Award: EDGAR RENTERIA of the Boston Red Sox--who made 30 errors at shortstop this season. Ironically, the man is capable of making fantastic plays at times, too. Translation? The guy is more unpredictable than my last girlfriend (and the girlfriend before that--and even the girlfriend before THAT!).....
*The GRASS MAY NOT BE GREENER, BUT THE MONEY SURELY IS Award: Carlos Beltran of the Mets--who left Houston last off-season to go to New York for the big bucks--only to see the Astros make the playoffs in 2005 while the Mets went home. Kudos to the fans in Houston who held up a sign last weekend during their playoff game vs. Atlanta--which read the following: "CARLOS: HOW'S THE VIEW FROM THE COUCH?".....
*The BIG APPLE WHINE AND CHEESE Award: Randy Johnson of the New York Yankees. While on the mound, this guy did more whining and complaining during each outing than my niece and nephew did the time I took them fishing instead of to Chuck E. Cheese's.......
*The GERITOL/AGE DOESN'T MATTER Award: JULIO FRANCO of the Atlanta Braves (for the second year in a row); the man was still very active this season despite his age (47--if not HIGHER)--hitting .275 in over 200 at-bats with a decent on-base percentage. I swear, this man will still be playing baseball the day Lindsay Lohan starts collecting Social Security.....
*The MARIO MENDOZA OFFENSIVE OFFENSE Award--for hitting futility: The Washington Nationals--who were DEAD LAST in the NL in batting average, total bases, hits, home runs, RBI's, runs scored, and slugging percentage. Amazingly, they managed to put together a better road record than ELEVEN other NL squads. Go figure.....
*The STUCK AT FIRST Award: The Oakland A's--who stole a MINISCULE total of 31 bases as a team in 2005. Just a reminder: former A's outfielder Rickey Henderson stole 130 bases HIMSELF during the 1982 season.....
*The STAY AT FIRST Award: Nick Johnson of the Nationals--who stole just three bases and was caught stealing EIGHT times. Hell, the Washington team as a whole didn't exactly light up the base paths; they stole 45 bases and were THROWN OUT a ridiculous 45 times.....
*The LINDA RONSTADT/THAT'LL BE THE DAY Award: Reliever Braden Looper of the N.Y. Mets. The day the Mets win a championship with this guy as their closer will be the day Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho" stops being scary.....
*The BILL CLINTON/"I DID NOT DO THAT" Award--for outright lying: Rafael Palmeiro--the steroid-abusing fibber who adds further credence to what I've been saying for years: that the majority of athletes in professional sports only lie when their mouths are open.....
*Finally, the DOLLY THE SHEEP/REASON TO CLONE Award: Craig Biggio of the Houston Astros. This seven-time All-Star/four-time Gold Glove Award-winner has just signed a one-year extension with the team. Next year at this time, Biggio will be able to say that he spent his entire NINETEEN YEAR career with the SAME organization; few of his big league colleagues can relate during these modern times of players jumping ship at will while often disdaining allegiance to any one team. Thanks, Craig, for your refreshing loyalty, versatility, and great play over the years.

Congratulations, everyone!

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.