"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" -- 01-01-05

WHAT ONE SPORTS COLUMNIST WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN 2005:

* an ex-jock land a broadcast gig on JOURNALISTIC MERIT ALONE
* the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders play a game of touch football at halftime of Super Bowl XXXIX
* Anna Kournikova's marriage be more successful than her tennis career
* Anna Kournikova's marriage last longer than the fortnight at Wimbledon
* Bert Blyleven be elected to Cooperstown; wake up, voters
* Elin Nordegren caddy for her husband Tiger Woods
* a statue of Pat Tillman at the entrance of every NFL stadium
* more athletes step up, share their riches, and TRULY make a difference, in the manner of Atlanta Falcons RB Warrick Dunn--whose "Home for the Holidays" program provides homes for single mothers and their children
* Hank Aaron tell Barry Bonds where he can go--and I'm NOT talkin' Cooperstown
* the Valley Times' Christmas party held at Hooters
* ANY Valley Times get-together held at Hooters
* NBA commissioner David Stern admit he created a monster
* A-ROD be photographed walking out of a Motel 6
* O.J. Simpson's conscience finally start to get the best of him
* N.Y. Yankees pitcher Kevin Brown start smiling more, join the organization "Up With People," and start sharing his newly found warmth internationally
* Ron Artest donate ALL proceeds from his rap CD to anti-bullying campaigns
* a decent set of golf clubs that doesn't cost three months’ rent
* CBS' Shannon Sharpe make an NFL comeback--thus sparing all of us by keeping him OUT of the broadcast booth
* Mike Tyson become a lion tamer and say goodbye to boxing
* Valley Times sports editor Bill Pucci land a stand-up comedy gig--wearing ONLY a Speedo while performing
* George Steinbrenner and Larry Lucchino in a celebrity boxing match
* former Yankees outfielder Shane Spencer stay away from the saki while playing in Japan
* the University of Miami football team post a sign in their locker room that reads "NO RHODES SCHOLARS/LAW-ABIDING CITIZENS WELCOMED"
* more athletes conduct themselves on AND off the field like Yankees outfielder Hideki Matsui; hello, America
* Scott Boras become an FBI special agent, talent agent, travel agent, or ANYTHING BUT a player's agent
* John Franco join the cast of "The Sopranos"
* Don King and Johnny Damon become partners in a barbershop chain
* an issue of Golf Digest with fewer advertisements and MORE words/features
* a Dad take his three kids to the ballpark and spend LESS than his monthly mortgage payment
* reruns of ABC's "Wide World of Sports"
* an NFL pregame show with ONE person previewing games
* an NFL halftime show with ONE person giving scores/offering insight
* an NFL postgame show with ONE person giving final scores/recaps
* N.Y. Knicks guard Allan Houston admit that he is the most overpaid player in the history of sports--and immediately negotiate some type of repayment plan with each and every New York fan
* all NFL rookie running backs be required to watch old films of Walter Payton
* all MLB rookies be required to watch old films of George Brett
* a penalty box in the NBA
* Joe Paterno realize that his time has come and gone
* ESPN's Suzy Kolber take voice lessons
* Fox Sports' Tony Siragusa take ballet lessons
* N.Y. Mets fans in the upper deck record strikeouts by Pedro Martinez using dollar signs
* just ONE group of kids in my neighborhood playing stickball, touch football, or a pick-up basketball game
* an NFL defensive player sack the QB and, instead of dancing/celebrating, realize that's his JOB
* ESPN's Joe Theismann state--JUST ONCE, "I have no opinion on that"
* a journalistic award named the 'Theismann Trophy'--awarded to the annoying broadcaster who talks the most
* clueless athletes like Ron Artest and Milton Bradley finally "get it"
* washed-up athletes like Evander Holyfield GET OUT
* N.Y. Giants coach Tom Coughlin star in a remake of "Patton"
* an NFL game without a pass interference and/or personal foul call
* a Barry Bonds inflatable doll; you blow it up just once but its head and body continues to increase in size
* a Jason Giambi inflatable doll; you blow it up, stick a needle in its rear, and watch it break down
* the greedy, selfish athletes of today realize that, with a war still raging in faraway places, it's no longer all about THEMSELVES anymore

Happy 2005, folks.

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.