"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" -- 10-16-04

Ah, yes, as we enjoy baseball's postseason action, it's time to honor and remember some of those players whose performances in 2004 made this season memorable or, in some cases, forgettable:

*The GLOVE OF STEEL Award: Angel Berroa of the Kansas City Royals--who made 28 errors in 133 games and may soon become the first shortstop in either league to be required to wear a helmet in the field.....
*The PHIL COLLINS/IN THE AIR TONIGHT Award: Frank Francisco of the Texas Rangers--who reminded us that time flies during an exciting pennant race--as well as bullpen chairs.....
*The RELIEVING IS DECEIVING Award: Shawn Chacon of the Colorado Rockies--who garnered an "impressive" 35 saves this season, but BLEW nine save opportunities, went 1-9, and pitched to an inflated ERA of 7.11.....
*The OLD SPICE HIGH ENDURANCE Award: Livian Hernandez of the Montreal Expos--who led both leagues in innings pitched and also threw NINE complete games--almost TWICE as many as any other hurler.....
*The CHICKEN LITTLE Award--for immense cowardice: David Ortiz of the Boston Red Sox--who sat down after only one at-bat on the final day of the season in order to not finish below .300; somewhere, "Teddy Ballgame" is weeping.....
*The MARIO MENDOZA OFFENSIVE OFFENSE Award--for hitting futility: (tie) The K.C. Royals and the Arizona Diamondbacks--for having NO players in the top ten of any major offensive category.....
*The WINONA RYDER FIVE FINGER DISCOUNT AWARD: Florida Marlins outfielder Juan Pierre--who stole 45 bases this season, but was CAUGHT STEALING a ridiculous 24 times.....
*The DICK ALLEN QUESTIONABLE ATTITUDE Award: (tie) Milton Bradley of the L.A. Dodgers and Jose Guillen of the Anaheim Angels--who proved that idiotic behavior is not just limited to politicians, partying UCONN students, or female pop artists.....
*The LEAGUE OF HIS OWN Award: Barry Bonds of the S.F. Giants--whose .812 slugging % and .609 on-base % were MILES ahead of his closest competitors.....
*The ARSONIST OF THE YEAR Award--for putting gas on fires: Reliever Kerry Ligtenberg of the Toronto Blue Jays--who, in 57 relief appearances, gave up 73 hits in 55 innings; he also went 1-6 with an ERA of 6.38.....
*The RALPH NADER/LACK OF SUPPORT Award: Ben Sheets of the Milwaukee Brewers--who pitched five complete games, had a sparkling ERA of 2.70, but pitched to a sub-.500 record of 12-14.....
*The GERITOL/AGE DOESN'T MATTER Award: Julio Franco of the Atlanta Braves--who hit .309, smacked three triples, and drove in 57 runs at the age of 46 (if not 50).....
*The ANYPLACE BUT HOME Award: Infielder Chris Woodward of the Toronto Blue Jays-- who hit a paltry .159 at Skydome but close to .300 on the road.....
*The RODNEY DANGERFIELD/LACK OF RESPECT Memorial Award: Jake Peavy of the San Diego Padres--who won 15 games in only 27 starts and had a miniscule 2.27 ERA; the dog catcher in Murdo, South Dakota gets more publicity.....
*The ROSIE RUIZ/WHERE HAVE ALL THE RUNNERS GONE Award: Brad Wilkerson of the Montreal Expos--who slugged 32 home runs, but most of them of the solo variety. This is witnessed by his extremely low total of just 67 RBI's in close to 600 at-bats.....
*The BLACKSTONE/HOUDINI DISAPPEARING ACT Award: Arthur Rhodes of the Oakland A's. Expected to be the team's closer in 2004 after having pitched well in Seattle, Rhodes appeared in only 37 games--saving only NINE games with an ERA over 5.00.....
*The MILLI VANILLI IMPOSTER Award: Sammy Sosa of the Chicago Cubs--for pretending to be a role model. This is a guy who has bad-mouthed his manager, left the ballpark early, and corked his bats in the past. Congratulations, Sammy.....
*The ALKA SELTZER/NEED FOR RELIEF Award: Derek Lowe of the Boston Red Sox. If you've followed the team all year and watched him pitch regularly (and DIDN'T get an ulcer), you know what I mean.....
*The WINTER BALL AWAITS Award: SS Jose Valentin of the Chicago White Sox. As a regular, Valentin hit a pitiful .216, had an on-base % of .287, and struck out 139 times. He was consistent, though--hitting .217 at home and .214 on the road.....
*The JESSE OROSCO/LEFTIES NEVER DIE Award: Terry Mulholland of the Minnesota Twins--who pitched for his TENTH big league team in 2004. However, it's time Terry found other employment--as he went 5-9 with an ERA of 5.18. Perhaps an undeserved broadcasting position awaits.....
*The PETE ROSE JR./BACK TO THE FARM Award: Pitcher Edgar Gonzalez of the Diamondbacks--who started 10 games, went 0-9, and receives a complimentary ticket back to the minors after compiling an ERA of 9.32; teammate Casey Fossum finished a close second.....
*The BIG APPLE/BAD INVESTMENT Award--for little return for the big buck: Jason Giambi of the N.Y. Yankees--who had 55 hits and was paid around $12.5 million. In other words, he was paid $227,000 per hit. Mike Piazza of the Mets finished a close second.....
*The STRANGER TO THIRD Award: The Oakland A's--who hit 15 triples as a TEAM this year; Carl Crawford of the Devil Rays hit 19 by HIMSELF.....
*The BONNIE AND CLYDE/HIGHWAY ROBBERY Award--for stealing large sums of money: Chan Ho Park of the Texas Rangers--who went 4-7 this season and pocketed close to $14 million.....
*The GRADY LITTLE Award--for questionable managerial tactics: Ron Gardenhire of the Minnesota Twins--who DH'd rookie Jason Kubel ahead of Twins regular Lew Ford in Game 2 of the divisional series vs. the powerful Yankees. Gardenhire's "hunch" proved disastrous; Kubel went 0 for 6 with two strikeouts and left five runners on base during a 7-6, extra-inning, pivotal loss.....
*Finally, the DOLLY THE SHEEP/REASON TO CLONE Award: Edgar Martinez of the Seattle Mariners--who retired after playing 18 seasons with ONE team. Always a clutch performer, Martinez hit .312 over his career and, although never winning a championship, rarely complained or said a bad word about anyone. We'll miss that sweet swing, Edgar.

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.