"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" -- 12-04-04

A JOB ADVERTISEMENT WE'D ALL LIKE TO SEE:

The National Basketball Association (NBA), an equal opportunity employer, seeks eager, hard-working individuals to join its "reputable," dynamic, for-profit organization. This famous, long-standing athletic league, now comprised of 30 teams coast-to-coast, offers opportunities in various on-court capacities--ranging from point guard to center (assorted positions in-between--aka 2, 3, and 4 slots--also available.) Positions now available in various cities (both in the United States and Canada) with frequent opportunities to relocate--if desired. Pension plan available, along with the opportunity to see the world, accumulate vast fortunes, and perhaps even venture into the world of broadcasting once your career has ended--regardless of training/qualifications. Our goal is to entertain and generate capital by ANY means necessary--even at the expense of skewing the morals/values of today's youngsters. Enjoy the feeling of playing in front of ego-feeding, adoring, overpaying crowds on an almost nightly basis for approximately eight months of the year; this is just part of the lucrative opportunity that can be YOURS in the "new NBA." A future can be waiting for you in a league where even the most troublesome individuals are often rewarded! The NBA's philosophy is that the more publicity we receive--regardless of form--the better for ALL of us involved in the great game of basketball. Remember, we're led by commissioner David Stern, a man whose "market at any cost" philosophy has enabled players to earn kings' ransoms--even if some players continue to have trouble feeding their families while earning $14.6 million (we promise they are in the minority). Our players, both current and former, have been known to earn millions in a variety of endorsement deals--regardless of the products and/or mixed messages that accompany their marketing affiliations. And although it's been rumored that up to 40% of our league's participants may have a criminal background, we pride ourselves on knowing that the majority of our players are STILL on the "right" side of the law--we think. The humongous, global effect/influence our players have on the youth of today is demonstrated by the fact that young basketball fans everywhere are often shown wearing expensive sneakers, using foul language/disrespecting authority figures, and de-valuing education in any form. So come join a league that people such as George Mikan, Wilt Chamberlain, Bob Pettit, Oscar Robertson and, most important, Dennis Rodman made famous--where only the sky is the limit. Apply now!

POSITION: Player, National Basketball Association (NBA)

SALARY: Minimum starting salary of $385,000 with some of our most recognizable players now earning above $20 million per season.

MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS: A tall, rangy, athletic individual with a flair for showboating. Preference will be given to those with vast experience in trash talking and/or boldly bringing attention to themselves while on the basketball court; the more flamboyant, the better, as acting in such a way will allow the applicant to become a household name while the NBA continues its ubiquitous "bad boy" marketing campaign. Team players are welcomed, although those with the "ME FIRST" mentality will enjoy an advantage in the application process. Tattoos, earrings, gold chains, and similar prized possessions always welcomed--although only tattoos will be allowed while performing on the court. Remember, our goal is to ALWAYS promote the individual NBA player--REGARDLESS of the fact that he is involved in a team sport. Background check not necessary and any past brushes with the law will be considered (if considered at all) only "minor" deterrents in the application process. The successful candidate will realize that he is a crucial and important cog in an organization whose ultimate goal is to effectively/continually incorporate and improve upon its ongoing "gangsta mentality"--one that ultimately contributes to ticket sales and lines players' pockets. Shooting ability (at least ON the court) and mastering of basketball fundamentals absolutely not necessary. Preference will be given to "big man" applicants (6'9" and above) who can effectively throw their weight around wildly while simultaneously masking obvious offensive deficiencies. Aspiring rap artists encouraged to apply--just as long as the message contained within their "artwork" is consistent with the National Basketball Association's "bad boy" reputation; musical talent not required--and is actually discouraged. Upon joining our league, the successful candidate will realize that he soon will become a member of a Players Association that considers ANY act of indiscretion TOTALLY normal--and, on behalf of the player, will fight any disciplinary measure tooth and nail until it is resolved to the satisfaction of same. The ability to spell "N-B-A" is preferred, but NOT required.

HOURS: 2-3 hours daily--except on off-days. Months of vacation included.

EXPERIENCE REQUIRED: Experience/playing time at SOME type of competitive level--where the applicant has already effectively shown an inclination toward mastering at least some of the NBA's aforementioned values. Preference will be given to those tattooed individuals under the age of 20 and/or kids who've shown up to past practices/camps needing safety deposit boxes for the things they value most in life.

EDUCATION REQUIRED: None whatsoever. In fact, the NBA now discourages any type of college education (high school is optional) as it is our opinion that it only takes away hours that could be better spent dribbling a basketball and/or developing "street smarts." At this juncture, it is our opinion that past, erudite players such as David Robinson have only added a "nerdy" quality to the NBA--which is in direct contrast to the message we are currently trying to convey; such hindrances will no longer be tolerated. Those unfortunate enough to be currently playing in college are still urged to apply as any form of education will not be held against the applicant. Again, the ability to spell "N-B-A" will be a plus in the application process--as well as recognizing jersey numbers and signing paychecks/endorsement deals. Past courses taken in self-restraint, anger management, etc. are not valued by the NBA and will neither be offered to nor pushed upon the successful applicant--even if needed.

If you think you have what it takes to become a member of an organization where truly "anything goes," consider the NBA--today!

*Note: The National Basketball Association practices "thug preference" in hiring, but will consider all applications. If interested, see your local probation officer for more information.

Bob Lazzari

Reprinted by permission of the Valley Times.