"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 1-9-10

A Few Things One Columnist Would Like To See In 2010........

* a new Tiger Woods doll; you wind it up, it drops its shorts, and immediately moves into a horizontal position
* MLB stadiums be required to have a "KA-CHING" sound played over the PA system whenever the home team's highest-paid player is introduced
* just ONE MLB player--after a fellow player signs for gazillions--say, "That contract is &%$# RIDICULOUS!"
* the Fordham men's basketball program show SOME signs of life
* a chewing gum that actually holds its flavor
* a full refund given to New York fans who attended the final game at Giants Stadium last weekend--an embarrassing 41-9 loss to Carolina
* John Calipari recruit a future Rhodes Scholar
* less salad and more chicken wraps inside the Travelers Championship media food tent
* former NFL stars O.J. Simpson and Rae Carruth square off in a jailhouse boxing match
* three consecutive nice days weather-wise here in New England
* troubled outfielder Milton Bradley just simply GO AWAY
* CT high schools/athletic directors be more media friendly
* another Tiger Woods doll; once it's wound up, it juggles women
* a "quality start" in baseball consist of pitching at least seven innings while giving up two runs or less
* donuts with healthful benefits
* an MLB/NFL team's home field known as Revolving Sponsor Stadium
* a future Barry Sanders born somewhere
* free Advil supplied to media members before covering high school football games on damp, 40-degree Friday evenings
* a future George Brett born somewhere
* a future Phillie Phanatic born somewhere
* responsible parenting at youth sporting events--or ANYWHERE, for that matter
* film clips of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders shown at each CT Sports Writers' Alliance monthly luncheon
* Victoria's Secret models WAITRESSING at the aforementioned luncheons
* the term "performance-enhancing drugs" show up in the newspaper less than five times per week
* more eloquent former football players turned analysts, i.e. Robert Smith
* LESS in-your-face/loudmouth/ex-player "analysts" like Shannon Sharpe
* wide receiver Wes Welker be cloned
* more athletes put forth all-out efforts like one Rafael Nadal
* the size of the annual SI Swimsuit Issue TRIPLE
* golfer John Daly come out with an exercise video
* more happy-go-lucky baseball players like Nick Swisher
* a foot race between Nick Johnson and Jason Varitek prior to the first Yankees/Red Sox meeting
* more NFL wide receivers like Larry Fitzgerald--one who acts like he's BEEN THERE BEFORE after scoring
* low-cost, anti-anxiety drugs for N.Y. Mets fans
* a new Tiger Woods-endorsed Gatorade flavor aimed at females called "U-Next?"
* a free luxury suite at each Yankee home game reserved for the homeless people of the Bronx
* Bohmart and Sacks (NYC bankruptcy lawyers) set up booths at both Yankee Stadium and Citi Field--just past the turnstiles
* free blood pressure screenings for Red Sox fans in-between innings of each Dice-K start
* Christie Brinkley fully divulge her anti-aging secrets
* Christie Brinkley seductively whisper those same secrets in a certain sports columnist's ear
* a book about sideline behavior written by UCONN coach Jim Calhoun entitled "Fun With Four Letters"
* a basketball player like John Stockton born somewhere
* a future Pat Tillman born somewhere
* more national anthems sung like the one performed by the U.S. Naval Academy glee club prior to the recent Army/Navy game in Philadelphia
* yes, once again, less writer's block
* ground finally broken on a "Steroid Era" wing at Cooperstown
* a "40-something" edition of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders
* ski masks distributed to Oakland Raiders fans that say "I Believed In JaMarcus Russell"
* finally, health, happiness and inner peace for the loyal readers of this column

Happy 2010, everyone!

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 12-26-09

I truly believe that if Florida State football coach Bobby Bowden had aged HALF as well as actress Jane Seymour has, the Seminoles would have gone 10-2 this season instead of 6-6..........TRIVIA QUESTION: The 1991-'92 New York Rangers had FIVE players on the squad who scored 30 or more goals apiece. How many of these players can you name? Answer to follow..........ITEM: In '09, Florida Marlins pitcher Ricky Nolasco pitched LESS innings than the year before, won LESS games than he did in '08, and his ERA rose from 3.52 to 5.06 over that two-year stretch. The topper? Nolasco gets a $1.8 million RAISE--recently agreeing to a one-year contract. As I've said on many occasions, we're ALL in the wrong business, folks..........Lazzari's "Lopsided Score of the Week": In a women's college basketball game played last weekend, Southeastern Louisiana pummeled Millsaps 113-53; the winning squad outscored its winless opponent 63-26 in the second half of this laugher. If I'm the coach of the losing team, I simply utter three comforting words to my girls after the game: "HOLIDAY BREAK, ANYONE?"..........Can you imagine if LPGA golfer Catriona Matthew married former Michigan wrestler Steve Luke, divorced, married Univ. of Cincinnati chemistry professor Jim Mark--divorced again--then married former MLB pitcher Tommy John? Gospel followers would truly delight in her full married name of Catriona Matthew Luke Mark John..........This week in sports history, December 29, 1963: Chicago Bears QB Billy Wade runs for a pair of touchdowns--leading his team to a 14-10 victory over the N.Y. Giants in the NFL championship game played at Wrigley Field. The Giants' title hopes took a major hit in the second quarter after quarterback Y.A. Tittle sprained his knee following a 14-yard TD pass to Frank Gifford; Tittle--who threw for 36 touchdowns during the regular season--ended up throwing FIVE interceptions on the day. Wade scored on runs of one and two yards in a game played in bitterly cold temperatures...........Gotta love Mike Stevens of the WDRC/102.9 (Hartford) morning show; when reporting last week that Tiger Woods was named PGA player of the year, Stevens added that Woods should also be deemed as the "juggler of the year"..........Answer to trivia question: MIKE GARTNER (40), TONY AMONTE (35), MARK MESSIER (35), SERGEI NEMCHINOV (30), and DARREN TURCOTTE (30)..........Congratulations go out to Kyle Penney of Columbia (CT)--who was recently named co-captain of the Southern CT State University baseball team (along with Branford's Ed Bethke). I had the pleasure of coaching Penney (who attended Windham High) at the middle school level--a kid who simply worked hard and led by example. Above all, Penney has also been a solid STUDENT down through the years, too; best of luck Kyle..........Happy birthday wishes go out to former NBA player Sean Higgins--who blows out 41 candles on December 30th. Having played at Michigan, Higgins was selected by the San Antonio Spurs in the second round (54th overall) of the 1990 NBA draft and played a total of six seasons in the league. The amazing thing about Mr. Higgins? He played for a total of SIX teams during his short, six year career--spending time with San Antonio, Orlando, Golden State, New Jersey, Philadelphia, and Portland. Yes, the man should have landed a luggage contract during his playing days, right? One of the highlights of his modest career came as member of the 76ers during the '95-'96 season when he made 35-of-37 free throws for a sizzling percentage of .946. All told, Higgins played in a total of 220 NBA games; he is currently the basketball coach for Edmonds Community College in Edmonds, Washington. Best wishes, Sean..........Finally, condolences go out to the family of a friend and former coach of mine--Rich Grande of Derby, CT--who passed away recently at the age of 59. A multi-talented individual, Rich was mayor of Derby for three terms from 1986-'91; he also possessed a degree in education and worked as a respiratory therapist for over 30 years. One thing I'll always remember about Mr. Grande is the unmatched love he had for kids; he coached at the youth level in both basketball and football and would always don a Santa Claus outfit when the occasion arose. Yeah, he was one of those guys you'd never forget if you were ever fortunate enough to cross paths with him; some mutual friends have called Grande the "ultimate nice guy." Oh, how true. I guess I'd sum up his legacy by offering this: If you ever spent time talking with one Richard Grande, he didn't make you feel like a friend; no, he made you feel like a BROTHER. My sincere condolences to his wife Mary Ann and the entire Grande family; in baseball terms, the "angels" just added a terrific bat to their lineup. Rest in peace, Rich.

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 12-19-09

Lazzari's "Lopsided Score of the Week": In a girls high school basketball game played last week here in Connecticut, Capital Prep dismantled Norwich Tech 78-7 (no need to put on the reading glasses, folks--you read that correctly); the winning squad held a 47-0 lead AT THE HALF (yes, a BASKETBALL game--NOT football, my friends). Comparing this to a women's boxing match, this bout should have been stopped before the losing fighter put on her TRUNKS...........TRIVIA QUESTION: Amazingly, the 1990-'91 Boston Celtics shot over 82% from the free-throw line as a TEAM. Can you name the player who led the team in FT % (minimum of 100 attempts) that season? Answer to follow..........I recently spoke with Eastern CT State University women's basketball coach Denise Bierly and asked her to reflect on her recent 300th career victory--which came against Rhode Island College. "I've had wonderful players here at Eastern," she told me. "It was never a goal of mine to win a certain number of games, but what I am proud of is continuing the excellence set by coach Bob Miller--who was here before me. Averaging almost 20 wins per season for the last 15 years is quite a statement about our program, but I reflect more on my relationships with my players and seeing them grow as people." Yes, a program that is in VERY good hands; congrats, Denise..........This week in sports history, December 21, 1974: Oakland Raiders quarterback Ken Stabler throws four touchdown passes--leading his team to a 28-26 AFC playoff victory over the Miami Dolphins. Stabler's final TD pass came with just 26 seconds remaining when he found Clarence Davis in a crowded end zone; the eight yard scoring strike capped an eight-play, 68-yard drive. Stabler's heroics enabled the Raiders to end Miami's two-year reign as Super Bowl champions..........Here goes: Shakopee, MN councilwoman Pamela Punt marries former Patriots RB Patrick Pass, divorces, then marries ex-Dolphins RB Jim Kiick. Fans of youth football competitions would surely enjoy her full married name of Pamela Punt Pass Kiick..........Did you know that Connecticut's own Scott Burrell is the only athlete in major professional sports history to be drafted in the first round in two sports? He was selected by the Seattle Mariners (as a pitcher out of Hamden High) in the first round of the 1989 MLB Draft; Burrell was later selected by the Charlotte Hornets in the first round of the 1993 NBA Draft after playing at UCONN. Burrell is currently an assistant basketball coach at Quinnipiac University under former UCONN assistant Tom Moore. (*Thanks to reader Bob Barth for his input on Burrell)..........Regarding this entire Tiger Woods fiasco: I've heard from people who've told me that he needs his ego checked, his head examined, and that he needs to be treated for sex addiction. I look at it this way: With a beautiful, blonde, Swedish model as a wife, I think Mr. Woods simply needs his EYESIGHT checked..........O.K.--one more crack about Tiger: His last name may be WOODS, but--when it comes to women--he surely has lots of IRONS in the fire, huh?..........Answer to trivia question: ED PINCKNEY--who converted 104-of-116 free throws for a percentage of .897; Larry Bird was second with a mark of .891..........Happy birthday wishes go out to former NBA player Terry Mills--who blows out 42 candles on December 21st. A 6'10" forward out of Michigan, Mills played 11 seasons in the league between 1990 and 2001 as a member of the Nuggets, Nets, Pistons, Heat, and Pacers; he averaged 10.6 points and 5.4 rebounds per game for his career. Mills' best year came during the 1993-'94 season while with Detroit--a season in which he averaged more than 17 points and 8 rebounds per game; while at Michigan, Mills helped the Wolverines to the 1989 national title. Best wishes, Terry..........Finally, condolences go out to the family of Eastern Illinois offensive line coach Jeff Hoover--who died recently in a single-car accident following a game vs. Southern Illinois in Carbondale; he was just 41. Hoover joined Eastern Illinois in 2007 after serving as the offensive coordinator at Portland State; he also spent some time in the Arena Football League coaching the Sacramento Attack. He is survived by his wife, Penny, and two children, Lauren and Cole. May Jeff Hoover rest in peace.

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 12-12-09

ITEM: Pittsburgh leads New Hampshire 15-7 at the HALF during a college basketball game last week--the fewest first-half points in a Division I game since the shot clock was employed. I haven't seen anything THAT ugly since a former roommate of mine at Fordham was combing the hair on his BACK..........TRIVIA QUESTION: Who was the last member of the Milwaukee Bucks to lead the NBA in free throw shooting percentage? Answer to follow..........Gotta love WFAN Radio's Steve Somers--who calls the lowly NBA team playing in New Jersey "The Empty Nets." Somers also commented last week about Derek Jeter's "squeaky clean" image--remarking, "This guy is so clean that the soap companies want to endorse HIM!"..........ITEM: The New York Jets bring in N.Y. Yankees manager Joe Girardi to teach QB Mark Sanchez how to slide. HUH??? Shouldn't "Gang Green" have hired a TRUE, former baserunner to teach such a skill--maybe Rickey Henderson? Then again, if you bring Henderson in, you may have to interrupt a card game in order to get him to show up at the practice field..........This week in sports history, December 15, 1946: The Chicago Bears capture their fifth NFL championship--defeating the New York Giants 24-14 in a game played at the Polo Grounds. The game was played under a cloud of suspicion as NY quarterback Frank Filchock and FB Merle Hapes reportedly were offered bribes by professional gamblers; Filchock went on to throw a pair of TD passes as the game was tied 14-14 after three quarters. However, Chicago quarterback Sid Luckman would put the Bears ahead to stay in the fourth when he ran 19 yards down the right sideline on a fake sweep--propelling his team to the title game victory..........How 'bout the NY Knicks and the New Jersey Nets winning on the SAME NIGHT last week? My first thought was that if something like THAT can happen, then there is STILL hope for yours truly to date Christie Brinkley and/or Jennifer Aniston within the next six months..........The honors continue to pile up for Eastern CT State Univ. soccer player Sarah Swann of Oxford (CT). She was recently named as a first team all-star to the women's ECAC New England Division III All-Star squad; as reported in this column a few weeks back, Swann had earlier been named as the Little East Conference's Offensive Player of the Year. Well done, Sarah.......... Answer to trivia question: JACK SIKMA--who made 321-of-348 free throws during the '87-'88 season for a percentage of .922..........Lazzari's "Lopsided Score of the Week" (sit down for THIS one, folks): In a college basketball game played last week in Ohio, Walsh University obliterated Ohio St.-Mansfield 154-59; the winning squad set school records for margin of victory (95), field goals made (64), assists (47), rebounds (73), and points in a half (84). If I'm the coach of the losing squad, I inject some comforting humor into the equation while addressing my team after the game and offer this: "Good news and bad news, guys; the good news is that you still have your health intact and you will NEVER get beaten THAT badly ever again. The bad news is that our team trainer just took my blood pressure-- and the systolic number is 30 points higher than Walsh's total score tonight."..........I've heard a countless number of Tiger Woods references since his car crash/indiscretions became public, but I'll give reader Joe Pankowski credit for being the first to inform me that Tiger--from this day forward--should be known as "Cheetah"..........Happy birthday wishes go out to former major league pitcher Doug Rau--who blows out 61 candles on December 15th. A native Texan who attended Texas A&M, Rau pitched nine seasons in the "bigs" between 1972 and 1981--spending most of his time with the Dodgers. Rau's best year came in 1976 while with L.A.--a year in which he went 16-12 with an impressive 2.57 ERA (second in the NL); his lifetime record was 81-60. However, Rau struggled while pitching in the postseason as a member of the Dodgers; in six postseason games (11 innings) during his career, Rau pitched to a record of 0-2 with a 6.55 ERA. Rau ended his career in '81 as a member of the Angels; best wishes, Doug..........Finally, condolences go out to the family of basketball Hall of Famer Al Cervi--who died recently in Rochester, NY at the age of 92. Cervi was the 1947 National Basketball League scoring champion and MVP as a guard for the Rochester Royals; he became a player-coach for the Syracuse Nationals in 1948 and remained in that role after the team joined the NBA. He retired as a player in 1953 and later coached the Nats to the NBA title in 1955. Cervi was elected to the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame in 1985. He is survived by his wife of 68 years, Ruth, a son, two daughters, and four grandchildren. May Al Cervi rest in peace.

"Lazzari's Sports Roundup" - - - - 12-5-09

As winter approaches and the '09 baseball season fades into memory, we once again recognize/reward some deserving individuals:

*The first annual EARL WEAVER/FULL PACK Award: Chris Ray of the Orioles. Formerly an effective closer, the guy gave up 64 hits and surrendered eight HR's in just 43 innings this year while pitching to an ERA of 7.27--giving Orioles fans more indigestion than any greasy crab cake you'd find along Baltimore's Inner Harbor. Yes, Weaver used to call former O's pitcher Don Stanhouse "Full Pack" due to the number of cigarettes he'd smoke while watching him pitch; I'm convinced that if the "Earl of Baltimore" was still managing, he'd nickname Chris Ray "Carton."
*The GEORGE BRETT/PETE ROSE HONORARY THROWBACK PLAYER Award: CC Sabathia of the N.Y. Yankees. Though paid gazillions to play a kid's game, he's still a "gimme the ball"-type pitcher. And when asked about pitching on just three days rest come playoff time, he downplayed it--saying, "I don't think it's that big of a deal....this time of the year, you tend to cut down on bullpens anyway." Yeah--my kinda guy.
*The LITTLE BUCKS/BIG NUMBERS Award: We'll give this one to Kendry Morales of the Angels. The man played 152 games--hitting 34 HR's and driving in 108--and was paid just over $1 million. From now on--whenever I hear that jingle "Don't You Just Love A Bargain"--I'll think of Kendry instead of the Christmas Tree Shops. Pablo Sandoval of the Giants finished second followed by the Reds' Joey Votto.
*The BLACKSTONE/HOUDINI DISAPPEARING ACT Award: Aaron Harang of the Cincinnati Reds. After putting together back-to-back 16 win seasons in '06 and '07, he's won just TWELVE games since then--sporting a combined record of 12-31 over the past two seasons. Garrett Atkins of the Rockies finished a close second as his HR and RBI total decreased for the third consecutive year.
*The ARSONIST OF THE YEAR Award: A 'no-brainer' as Phils reliever Brad Lidge pitched to a 7.21 ERA and blew 11 saves; the term "closer" took on a new meaning in the City of Brotherly Love as Philadelphia fans CLOSED their eyes each time Lidge entered a game.
*The BUM OF THE YEAR Award: No one came close to the Cubs' Milton Bradley. A "cancer" everywhere he's been, he was suspended in September for the remainder of the season after saying, "You understand why they haven't won in 100 years here." This is a guy who signed a three-year, $30 million contract before the season and hit just .257 with 40 RBI's. Question: Who SHOULD have done the bad-mouthing here--the Cubs GM or Bradley?
*The HIT OR MISS Award: For the second straight year, goes to Mark Reynolds of the D'Backs. Despite hitting 44 home runs, he broke his own MLB strikeout record this season by whiffing a staggering 223 times. Rumor has it that AZ team officials will charge Reynolds for the large amount of grass seed that was needed to constantly repair the path that Reynolds made from home plate to the dugout throughout the season.
*The MAYTAG/DEPENDABILITY Award: Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki is automatically given this award yearly. In '09, the guy hit .352 with 225 hits--and missed 16 games (he usually plays them all). And yes, folks, three things in life are certain: The New England weather will disappoint, Christie Brinkley will NOT age, and Ichiro will win a Gold Glove; he won his NINTH in a row in '09.
*The AVERSION TO WALKING Award: Goes to Miguel Tejada of the Houston Astros. With 635 at-bats to his credit, he walked just 19 times. This guy may become the first player to ever swing at a RESIN BAG if a pitcher mistakenly throws it a few feet in front of the mound.
*The GERITOL/AGE DOESN'T MATTER Award: Mariano Rivera of the Yankees. At age 39, the man had his best save total (44) since 2004; in addition, he gave up ONE earned run in 16 postseason innings. Yes, he may be called "Mo," but I say that "Chateau Margaux" may be more appropriate due to his better-with-aging characteristics.
*The STAY AT FIRST Award: Awarded to Elijah Dukes of the Nationals. The man attempted to steal 13 bases and was thrown out TEN times. With a success rate of 23%, catchers don't sweat too much when this guy gets on base.
*The TONY BENNETT/BEST YEARS BEHIND HIM Award: Randy Johnson of the S.F. Giants. Gave up 19 HR's in 96 innings, spent a long stint on the DL, and no longer strikes out a batter per inning. Yes, at age 46, it's TIME, Big Unit. Ex-teammate Ken Griffey Jr. was a close second.
*The BONNIE AND CLYDE/HIGHWAY ROBBERY Award: I know injuries are part of the game (as well as guaranteed contracts), but this one undoubtedly goes to Jason Schmidt of the Dodgers. He made just FOUR starts due to injury for L.A. in '09--going 2-2 with a 5.60 ERA--and was paid more than $15 million. In fact, Schmidt has earned about $47 million since signing with the Dodgers before the '07 season and has won a grand total of just THREE games for the team. Rolaids, Dodger fans? Alfonso Soriano of the Cubs finished a close second.
*The RODNEY DANGERFIELD/LACK OF RESPECT Award: Goes to Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers. Almost unnoticed was the fact that the guy hit .320 with 114 RBI's. In addition, he played 158 games, scored well over 100 runs, stole 20 bases, and made just two errors in the outfield. Just goes to show you what happens when you play in the Midwest and your team finishes under .500.
*The PITIFULLY PUNCHLESS Award--for lack of offense: The S.D. Padres nailed this one. As a team, they were last in the majors in hits, RBI's, total bases, slugging %, AND batting average. Just like the altitude of Colorado results in better offensive production, the constant sunshine in San Diego must dry out bats--leaving them totally useless and ineffective.
*Finally, the DOLLY THE SHEEP/REASON TO CLONE Award: Derek Jeter of the world champion Yankees--with Albert Pujols of St. Louis finishing second. For the sixth straight season, Jeter played in 150 or more games while reaching the 200+ hit plateau for the seventh time. In addition, he won his fourth Gold Glove and added a NEW honor to his impressive resume--The Roberto Clemente Award--which recognizes the player who combines giving back to the community with superlative skill on the field. Quite simply, he's the 'Dudley Do-Right' of modern-day baseball; wish we had more MLB players like Mr. Jeter.

Enjoy the off-season, everyone.